As the Scotland Germany game kicked off yesterday evening I was preparing for my final radiotherapy session of the week.
As I lay onto the machine and had my face clamped to the table so that I couldn’t move when the beam of radiation was being delivered I reflected back on my time in Scotland to give me the strength to believe that I can keep fighting to stay alive.
One of my sporting goals this year was to play nine holes of golf – after so much time on the driving range I had hoped to take that onto a course but then cancer became the main focus.
However, before I left Aviemore a few of my friends and I planned a match on the Spey Valley championship course. I’m not sure any of us thought we would be playing the full course but after five hours mostly in the pouring rain we found ourselves teeing off on the 18th.
It was never not going to be a competition, especially with my good friend and Olympic skier Noel Baxter on the opposite team to me, and as we went in to the 18th both teams were even and I felt that rush of endorphins sport gives you.
As we made our way to the 18th tee I suggested to my team-mate that everyone plays one armed on the final hole. Not that I was playing to win, as my goal was
just to play a round of golf, the feeling of winning rushed over me and I found myself sinking the winning putt.
This was exactly what I
needed, not to win the game with my team-mate but to share in a moment with my best friends
that would serve as a reminder of how beautiful life is and the power of sport.
As I sat in the basement at University College London hospital on Wednesday afternoon for my first session of radiotherapy I was met with mixed emotions and that inner narrative of ‘what if this doesn’t work?’, but the hope that it does work like it did before and the treatment gives me more time to enjoy spending time with friends, family and pursuing the sports
I love.
As I sat down to write this week’s column I was overcome with feelings of fatigue and mental exhaustion, I don’t think it’s from the radiotherapy itself as I’ve only had a few treatments but the daily toll already of travelling to the hospital, getting treatment
then travelling home has
already started to take its toll
on me.
I feel this is probably due to the fact that this has been a 14-year journey and I am just tired.
As some of my friends send me photos of them in kilts getting ready for the football I feel
slightly removed from the world.
I felt this the last time I was in radiotherapy, as I travel to treatment the world is
moving forward, people rushing around and life unfolding in front of me.
Then it stops, I find myself sat in the long corridor waiting to go for my ‘zapping’, as I call it.
Each day this week I was on machine C with a young guy called Prince looking after me. The treatment itself is not long, and I don’t feel anything. With my choice of music playing it’s almost relaxing as the room is dark and the staff are super friendly.
As I lay there with my mask
on that secures me to the table with my eyes closed I notice my mind drifts back to my time back in Aviemore and the beauty of both the mountains and the people, both of which reminded me why it’s important not to
give up.
I told myself this week that this will be over in a few weeks and I can return home to Scotland and plan a trip to the Alps, it’s what is keeping me focused and in all honesty calm. I have told myself multiple times this week that I will be back on the golf course in Aviemore very soon.
It’s important to have that goal/vision of what life will look like beyond treatment, this mindset helps you navigate through the treatment as the days of radiology can be long. I sometimes find myself just waiting to go get zapped then go home and sleep.
I know this is not the best thing but I feel so exhausted of London and tumours I just find it easier to sleep.
As you sit to read this week’s column we will know the result of Scotlands first game, we will either be celebrating or commiserating, but for 90 minutes yesterday evening sport will have had the power to unite us and it’s that part of sport that keeps me fighting to stay alive and something we should all treasure.
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