WITH a heavy heart and an empty mind, I have to return to talkSport, the radio station doing more for Scottish Independence than anything oor Nicola could come up with.

According to every white van man’s favourite station, Scottish football is rubbish because it’s not as popular or rich as the English game. To put that into some sort of context, going by their guidelines Donald Trump is better than anyone else on the planet.

Call me an idealist if you will, but when all the top clubs are owned by countries in which women can’t vote and they jail homosexuals – that’s America these days – and it’s too expensive for the ordinary folk to go to games, then something is deeply wrong.

Give me a cold Fir Park any day of the week. At least there is something pure and honest about it.

The loudest cheerleader at talkSPORT is someone called Jason Cundy, yup him again, who hinted that Glasgow was a dump, our league was embarrassing and that Celtic have fewer supporters than anyone in League One.

After that, he went for some good old British fish and chips and sang God Save the Queen. Probably.

At least his colleagues would stand by him; won’t they? Actually in his column in last week’s Sunday Post, the former Scotland striker Alan Brazil took a flamethrower to Cundy. Not in a literal sense, which was a shame.

The bold Alan said: “When a guy like Jason Cundy opens his mouth, we should all close our ears…Celtic are bigger and have more history than any club Jason managed to play for during his modest career as a centre-half – and I include Chelsea in that.

“Let’s be honest, the guy was no Billy McNeill.

“Working for the same radio station as Jason, I understand why he said what he said – he wanted a response. He certainly got one. But he has made a complete fool of himself in the process.

“I present the breakfast show on talkSPORT – a major programme with a huge audience. But Jason is on in the middle of the night, with a cockney Manchester United fan called Andy Goldstein, and they try to have a laugh.”

Oh Alan, would you care for a saucer of milk? Actually knowing the big man, he’d take something more medicinal. He wasn’t finished, by the way.

“Quite frankly, Jason and Andy have shown themselves to be a pair of balloons. Fortunately, balloons are easy to burst. Jason Cundy supports Chelsea – a club that has only become a big deal outside London over the last couple of decades.”

I have a new hero.

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The greatest comeback I ever saw was when my big mate Andy got knocked back from a lass in a club because he was pissed, stinking, looked as if he had wet himself (which he had a bit) and crying.

And then hours later he still managed to pull her in a taxi rank. That’s what I call a comeback. He didn’t even have Neymar as a wingman.

A lot of fuss has been made over Barcelona but what about Paris-Saint Germain who have no real history but plenty of money. Jason Cundy must love them.

Esteemed French newspaper L’Equipe gave seven of their players two out of ten, which reminds me of the time a Mexican newspaper were so angry at the national team’s performance that the entire team were rated at minus ten.

That is arguably a tad harsh.

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Phil Neville, the former Manchester United and England player, took a selfie of himself on Thursday as he took the London underground for the very first time.

This is a man who recently admitted he didn’t know how to make a cup of tea. And they say footballers live in bubble.

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The best thing to happen all week was the statement put out by Arsenal’s chairman.

I have no idea what the statement said as I couldn’t get over the man’s name; Sir Chips Keswick.

His full title is Sir John Chippendale "Chips" Lindley Keswick, the first person in football to be invented by PG Woodhouse.

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It is Calcutta Cup day and it can bring out the Robert the Bruce in even the most vehement of no voters.

Even the English don’t particularly like their rugby team or the fans who all seem to be called Toby and Sara.

Many years ago John Beattie, now a fine radio presenter and a fearsome number eight on his day, was asked about playing THAYM and how difficult it was to keep focussed when there was  so much hatred.

“Oh I don’t hate the English,” said big John. “But they are very kickable.”

Lads, get tore right into them, as the great Bill McLaren would never have said.