Having listened to both sides of the Assisted Dying debate, it may be that there’s absolutely nothing to worry about after all.

In these straitened times when there is unbearable pressure on the NHS don’t we have a moral responsibility to add a commitment to sustainable death to our commitment to sustainable living?

Plus, everyone says they’re concerned about the future of yon overseas rainforests. Well, who do you think’s responsible for cutting down all the trees? It’s people. So, if we become a bit choosier about who gets to live then it’ll give the rainforests a new lease of life. Stick that in your crematorium and smoke it. Ashes to ashes; fun to funky.

We’re all encouraged to get right into that Natural World where it’s all about survival of the fittest. In this way the future of our jungle and forest wild beasties is guaranteed. Perhaps it’s time to get over ourselves and start adopting the same approach to the continuation of human life.

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After all, if the Government thinks that it’s okay to legalise abortions of babies who can survive outside the womb, then surely we can become less squeamish about making hard choices about who gets the tap on the shoulder a bit later in life.

I’d be in favour of introducing regular human MOT check-ups at five-year intervals. I’ve been following the work of Prof KL Themall of the Swiss Institute for Human Eradication Studies in Geneva. In particular, I was inspired by his whimsically titled essay “Summer-time and the Killing is Easy”. It would basically work like this. After you reach the age of about 40-45, you’re required by the state to check yourself in for a full physical fitness check-up. With all the technology and rocket science we’ve got, we can easily predict who’s got a decent chance of seeing out the next five years and, crucially, who’s not.

Those who are showing signs of excess wear and tear are given a one-time only warning about their future choices. Thereafter, they’ll be subject to spot-checks, and if their vital signs haven’t improved then it’s straight into the re-evaluation boot camps. And if they still don’t pick up, well then it’s away with you.

These "clinics" would be built and run on a private/public partnership basis with the owners receiving a percentage of how much its estimated will be saved by putting the clientele to sleep. People would be encouraged to take out Final Countdown insurance schemes that will get you a quality, premium room while you wait your turn complete with a Sky Sports package.

Obviously, as the years roll by and you get a bit more unsteady, the chances are you’ll find it more difficult to pass these tests. But that’s alright. By then, you’ll probably have outlived your economic usefulness anyway and the state won’t be unduly pained by your absence.

In fact, if I got one of those five-year warnings I might even be inclined just to rip the backside right out of it and spend it getting high and howling every single day rather than 20 years of living like a Trappist monk.

I think too, that any assisted dying legislation gives us the opportunity to practise good citizenship. We could be encouraged to be vigilant for signs of decrepitude and the onset of codgerdom in our neighbours.

An anonymous 0898 helpline would be made available so that the irresponsibly infirm could be picked up and processed before they start bothering their local hospital or GP. Has Old Tam’s limp not got noticeably worse since the last time you saw him? Is Wullie’s cough a bit jaggier? See it! Say It! Sorted!

I think we also need to consider tough choices in the prison sector. It’s clear that we don’t have enough prisons to the extent that we’re letting the lags out early. This is really quite unsustainable in the long-term, though. And so, I’d propose a sort of Escape from New York scenario.

In that wonderful 1981 John Carpenter classic, Manhattan Island has been turned into a state penitentiary where the worst criminals are sent to live and die according to the law of the jungle. Could we not do something similar with a number of our edgier neighbourhoods? It’s not as though the Scottish Government gives a Friar Tuck about any of these places as it is. Cinema provides other models for creating an economically sustainable death sector. I’ve always been affected by the film of HG Wells’ apocalyptic novella, The Time Machine. Towards the end of this, in the distant future, humans have evolved into a morally passive species of simpletons called the Eloi.

'An anonymous 0898 helpline would be made available so that the irresponsibly infirm could be picked up and processed''An anonymous 0898 helpline would be made available so that the irresponsibly infirm could be picked up and processed' (Image: Newsquest)

Underground though, there is another more savage species of humankind called the Morlocks, who feed on the Eloi. I think we’re quickly getting to this stage a few thousand years early anyway, so what’s to lose in the meantime?

You could have a National Lottery gameshow every Saturday night for all the family based on these themes. All the National Insurance numbers of the unsociably elderly and infirm are entered into a draw. If their number comes up it’s off to the house of the rising sun. Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your auntie. However, I also feel it’s important that we don’t lose sight of our common humanity in the years following the introduction of an Assisted Dying Bill. After all, as Winston, the manager of the Continental in the John Wick films says: “There are rules; they are the only things that separate us from the animals.” So, we’d need to devise a compassionate way of dealing with children who might have become a burden.

I’d maybe take a look at the role of the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and update it as part of a new Department of Children. Groups of local authority wardens organised by the Secular Humanist Society would be empowered by the state to roam the streets targeting children bearing the tell-tale paraphernalia of anti-social behaviour: cheap trainers; Irish surnames, Pot Noodles and scratch-cards. We could keep them in holding centres and if they’re not claimed within a week they could be sold off to affluent couples in a surrogacy arrangement.

It’s all about a leaner, more progressive and nimbler Scotland fit for the age of Artificial Intelligence.

Kevin McKenna is a Herald writer and columnist. Among his paltry list of professional achievements is that he’s never been approached by any political party or lobbying firm to be on their payroll. He’s trying to be kinder in his writing.