I'll inform Police Scotland who is praying outside abortion clinics

That was a grand year to be alive in Scotland, not least because – as well as being independent – there weren’t all that many delinquent Catholics going about the place praying licentiously in public places. 

The day after public praying in non-designated places was outlawed, a couple of elderly anti-abortion protesters were seen within the 200 metre buffer zone being aggressively silent. And what did the police do? Hardly anything at all. If this law is to be meaningful, then Police Scotland needs to start dealing with such outbreaks of malignant codgerdom. 

In progressive, diverse Scotland, we simply can’t permit truculent crusties rattling their beads in places where they’re not supposed to. Each year, tourism brings in tens of millions of pounds to the Scottish economy.

We simply can’t let sophisticated overseas visitors think that Catholics are given freedom to roam about the place with their provocative, irresponsible and irresponsibly provocative praying. 

Obstreperous Catholic types will no doubt claim that praying silently in a public place can do no-one any harm and that it’s a protected belief under European human rights legislation. These people also tell us that “it’s the thought that counts”. 

Well, they can’t have it both ways. We all know what they’re thinking. So, if it really is the thought that counts then thinking in a disagreeable way must come at a price – and that means bringing down the full force of the law on their pious and wretched heads.

Tell-tale signs
As a good and faithful Catholic who knows my place in modern Scotland, I can provide Police Scotland with a list of tell-tale signs that someone is praying belligerently while appearing not to.

The first thing you need to look out for is little holy knick-knacks that might not easily be noticeable at first glance. Look again: what is that little piece of ironmongery hanging around their necks? It may just look like a simple and innocent cross, but what if it’s a “Christian” cross? If it has the figure of Christ on it then this is an obvious red flag. 

And have a look again at the old brightly-coloured headscarf. It may at first look like the sort of innocent raiment beloved of really old people. But quite often with these Catholics there’s a picture of the Pope woven into its design. That’s another red flag.  

And wait! What’s that sound coming from their pockets? Is it the rustle of discarded sweetie papers? Or could it actually be the sound of rosary beads rattling in a clandestine and sinister manner.   

The new Abortion Services (Safe Access Zones) (Scotland) Act might initially seem to be a sound deterrent to this sort of reckless supplication. But, as I’ve just shown as a loyal and obedient Catholic, determined adherents will always find a way of circumnavigating the law. 

And so, I think Scotland should follow it up with stiff stop-and-search powers. This would empower an officer of the law to conduct a thorough search on someone they suspect of thinking about praying where they shouldn’t. 

If the paraphernalia associated with Catholic delinquency is present then they could be detained for up to 24 hours. I’m happy to provide a list of problematic apparatus that are easily secreted about the person. As well as rosary beads, there could be holy pictures, miraculous medals and vials of holy water.

Occasionally, there might be a picture of the Swedish former footballer Henrik Larsson with a halo around his head and the title “King of Kings”. That can be a giveaway too.

Aye to AI
I THINK, too, that the tools of artificial intelligence could be brought to bear to chivvy out recalcitrant Catholics who insist on passive, aggressive praying. Details of known Catholics – or people who have a history of Catholicism – could be fed into a sophisticated AI toolkit along with their confirmation names and the date they made their First Holy Communion.

Details of any previous outbreaks of overt Catholicism could also be supplied, such as attending Mass on weekdays or visiting the shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary at Carfin Grotto. Indeed, I’d consider having CCTV at Carfin, owing to the high number of probable future miscreants who tend to gather there.

In this way, the state might be able to predict if someone intends to gather outside their local hospital for the purpose of reckless and irresponsible praying. 

And have you considered this? Inspired by the catacombs where old-style Catholics used to hide from the Romans, some latterday believers might use Glasgow’s network of disused tunnels to gather and say their prayers underneath hospitals. We should probably install some surveillance cameras in these places too. 

Citizenship test
I’D also be happy to draw up a white paper for the Scottish Government on outlining a form of state-approved Catholicism in a public document. This would be a sort of Catholic citizenship test. The applicant – let’s call her Veronica Theresa McGonagle – would be asked 10 simple multiple-choice questions designed to ensure that her faith in no way undermines the diktats of the Scottish Government. 

An easy ice-breaker could be: “You’re on a bus and you see a fellow passenger known to have a record for Catholicism as long as your arm. As the bus passes the Queen Elizabeth hospital she makes the sign of the cross. Do you: 

A: Gently ask her in a non-violent way to desist from this controversial display?
B: Take a picture of her on your smartphone and send it by text to the special Antisocial Catholic helpline set up for this purpose? 
C: Press the Emergency Stop button and have her ejected immediately.
D: Look the other way and pretend you never saw anything.

Hear it. Bin it. Sorted.