Glasgow will celebrate its 850th birthday next year, but judging by the city council’s invitation to the party no one can accuse them of getting carried away. They’ve deployed a familiar suite of barren words and locutions to dampen down any expectations that this will be a grand and joyful year.

They want to “support partners” to make the year “inclusive”. They includes inspiring “accelerated change” for a “sustainable” future. These anonymous “partners” will be invited to “reflect” on what’s happened since 1975 when Glasgow became 800. The city will continue its “Climate Emergency” cosplay.

This, of course, is a stream of gaseous and fatuous drivel. I can assure our civic comptrollers that no Glaswegian will give a flying toss about what our city’s 850th birthday celebrations will mean for wur planet.

The River Clyde is to be included in the festivities. The river has been atrociously under-developed by successive Labour and SNP administrations in the last 50 years, unless you think that building Scotland’s largest expanse of Tupperware private apartments on its banks counts as a sustainable development. I’m not sure that making the Clyde a “symbol” of “climate action for the future” will cut the mustard.

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The council’s panjandrums have also pledged to enhance Glasgow’s “brand at home and abroad” and to deliver “legacy”. Because, well … the words ‘brand’, ‘legacy’ and ‘deliver’ must always be included in this sort of stuff. There might even be some outbreaks of singing and dancing, although city supremo, Susan Aitken says that these events will be “curated”. We can’t be having any outbreaks of unlicensed jollity.

The Herald reported yesterday that “central to the programme is commissioned ‘signature’ activities and events including a three-day music extravaganza; a People’s Palace pop-up exhibition and a Taste the Place food trail”.

We must hope that the ongoing repairs to the People’s Palace will ensure that it’ll actually be open in 2025.

“Hometown favourite events which showcase the city’s talent are in for a boost of up to £10,000 to get involved in the events.”

What this means is that all of Glasgow’s annual events and standard classics – which were going to happen anyway – will come with a wee 850 logo in 2025. These will include the Glasgow Comedy Festival, Glasgow Film Festival and Piping Live. These and our annual summer events like the Mela, and the Merchant City Festival will each receive this modest five-figure emolument.

We’re only three months or so away from the start of Glasgow 850, so obviously much of the city centre will still be looking like a demolition site. If we’d been holding something like that Cop26 next year, there’d have been a far bigger notice period than “100 days” and the Zombie apocalypse on Sauchiehall Street would have been cleared.

I feel though, that all is not yet lost. There’s still time to get real about Glasgow 850 and to own the state that Glasgow’s been in since the start of the Susan Aitken era.

Glasgow City Council leader Susan Aitken begins the 100-day countdown Glasgow City Council leader Susan Aitken begins the 100-day countdown (Image: free)

I didn’t see any mention of attracting more visitors to the city for our 850th birthday party. Perhaps this is just as well: that mission statement would make many of them think they were being invited to the launch of an IT toolkit for tackling climate change.

All very vital of course, but we’re not exactly talking about large Bacardis and a lumber up the Savoy and then back to Tam’s for an all-night bacchanal. I’d be in favour of a more radical and purposeful series of events designed to enhance Glasgow’s global ‘brand’ for keeping it real and telling it like it is.

The council wants all of the city’s 23 wards to be involved in the birthday party. So, let’s get together with the city’s cleansing department whose stalwart employees could organise “curated” bin lorry safaris of some of our more jiggy neighbourhoods.

Participants would be encouraged to count the number of rats and dead cats on their outing. Experienced tour guides could be on hand to identify the pungent scents and aromas coming from the back courts. Participants would race to complete bingo cards with symbols for the inner-city wildlife.

There could be a night-time walking tour of the city centre where participants would be encouraged to imagine what had once stood in the dozens of gap sites. It would end with a massive bonfire – symbolising our Pictish ancestors - to commemorate all the buildings which have mysteriously been consumed by flames in the last 20 years. Using your skill and judgment predict the next at-risk public building to go up in flames or to fall down. There could be a game of “What happened to the Glasgow School of Art?” in the style of a Whodunnit.

Participants would be encouraged to break into small groups and determine the potential causes of both fires. Was it that flame-thrower and plastic installation being made for the annual Degree Show to signify global warming? Or a stray spliff at an unauthorised, late-night gathering in the Mack before the second blaze?

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We could have a guided tour of Glasgow’s sprawling university accommodation sector as the city bids to win UNESCO’s first student dormitory architectural heritage award. This stretches from Cathedral Street in the north-east, right through the city centre and encompassing most of the west end. How many thousands of units can you find and how long do you think they’ll stay up?

Local MPs, MSPs and councillors could get in the spirit of the festivities by undertaking the Satnav Challenge: how to find randomly-chosen locations in their constituencies without the assistance of the ubiquitous autonomous geo-positioning devices. And can they make their way home unassisted after midnight using the public transport network?

I’m sure if we asked our homeless street teams nicely they could conduct special night-time tours of the city centre to show the ingenious ways in which Glasgow’s rough sleeping community find shelter for the night. This would provide handy tips on how to save energy so that we can reduce the city’s carbon footprint to a manageable size three.

Why, we could even ask Labour politicians to forgo a portion of their clothing, designer spectacles and football tickets donations for 2025 and give them instead to the Glasgow homeless. If they each donated £850 that would be a grand way to mark Glasgow’s big birthday.

Kevin McKenna is a Herald writer and columnist. This year is his 40th in newspapers. Among his paltry list of professional achievements is that he’s never been approached by any political party or lobbying firm to be on their payroll