Boris Johnson is back. Would someone please shoot that f*****g dog!

The man himself says he is honoured HarperCollins is unleashing “my personal account of the huge realignment that took place in UK politics in the last 15 years”.

So the manufacture of humongous amounts of bull ordure begins, because realigning UK politics is what Johnson will be remembered for, right?

Not trashing the economy through Brexit, not proroguing parliament, not being the first serving Prime Minister to be fined for breaking the law, not lying to the Commons, not mismanaging the response to Covid at the cost of countless lives? Dear me no, it’s the realignment of UK politics that is on everyone’s lips whenever that mop top of Johnson’s hoves into view.

The hair features prominently in the publicity photo issued by HarperCollins. It is a triumph of tastelessness. Johnson’s face is in total shadow with “Unleashed 10 10 24” across his chest, mug shot-style. One observer said it looked like the Honey Monster had been placed in witness protection. Another thought it was an ad for Netflix’s latest serial killer biopic.

There is no mention of how much HarperCollins is paying Johnson. Some literary agents have put his fee at “north of £1 million”. That is mere petty cash to what he earns from speeches and a newspaper column.

This is about investment in the future. Play this right and Brand Boris could give Brand Beckham a run for its money. Aftershave, clothes, cars. Not underpants, obviously (think of the billboards), but otherwise the sky’s the limit, the barrel is crying out to be scraped.

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Writing one’s memoir is a long and fairly noble tradition among past Prime Ministers. Even Liz Truss squeezed a book out of her time in office, despite being there for about as long as it takes to read a Mr Men.

A memoir is a nice little top-up to the pension, and a chance for leaders to have their say. Prime Ministers spend their days in office being assailed by criticism, with only the vast reserves of the state and paid-for special advisers to protect them. They need to get in early with their excuses. Never underestimate the desire for revenge, either.

Will Johnson use Unleashed to settle scores with those he believes have wronged him? One of those on the list is Rishi Sunak, currently leading his party into the kind of pasting last doled out to John Major’s Tories. It was Sunak’s resignation as chancellor, together with that of Sajid Javid, the health secretary, that landed a double whammy on Johnson’s premiership.

At the start of last week it was reported that Johnson, who has been on holiday in Sardinia, was to be parachuted into the Conservatives’ campaign to save as many souls as he could from Reform UK. Sunak put a brave face on this, praising his former colleague and wishing him happy birthday. Johnson turned 60 on June 19. But not everyone was pleased at the prospect of Johnson visiting their patches. Some gave the impression they would rather have a plague of locusts descend than Boris visit.

Johnson was told his services were no longer needed and he could set off on another holiday, destination as yet unknown. It turned out the MPs he planned to visit just so happened to be likely Boris supporters in any future leadership contest. As has often been the case with Johnson, there was method behind the apparent mayhem.

Far from being someone who bumbled into politics and found himself in the top job by accident, Johnson has been one of the most calculating politicians of his generation. As a boy he famously wanted to be “world king”. What came after - Oxford, journalism, running for London mayor, becoming an MP - was carefully chosen to get him where he wanted to be.

Boris Johnson Unleashed is expected in shops October 2024 (Image: free)

The same kind of careful planning will have gone into Unleashed, starting with that title. It is meant to tickle the tummies of the dog-crazy British, to make them forget about the reality of life under Johnson. Do not think of him as the snarling XL bully that prorogued parliament, he’s just a big daft Labrador crashing into the cake stall at the village fete, or whatever faux Wodehouse fantasy is at work in Johnson’s head that day.

It is only surprising that he has not enlisted Dilyn for the publicity photo. The dog has often been by Johnson’s side when he needs some positive PR. Mind you, Dilyn has not always had a good press. After the rescue dog arrived at the home of new owners Carrie and Boris, reports emerged of the untrained pup running amok. One story had Johnson shouting, “Someone please shoot that f****** dog!”

But by and large Johnson employed the dog as his partner in comedy, as when he told Daily Mail readers that Dilyn had killed one of the Queen’s goslings in Buckingham Palace Gardens. Johnson had been given permission to walk his dog in the grounds if the Queen was away.

I will let Johnson take up the tale.

“We were trundling along when there was a sharp tug on the flexi-lead, and because I had not been expecting it, the handle popped from my hand, and - pow! - that dog was off like a bullet,” he wrote.

“I watched in impotent horror as he was consumed by his biological destiny, transformed by ancient terrier genes from a harmless pooch to a lethal missile of fur, fang and nail.

“Within seconds it was all over. There was nothing I could do.”

Nothing he could do. Unexpected occurrences. Helpless to intervene. Does he ever listen to the tin-eared nonsense he spouts? And what’s amusing about the killing of a creature? Anyone else would have been shamed into silence. Not Johnson.

Who knows if any similar stories will find their way into Unleashed, and to what ultimate end: flog a book, exact revenge, mount yet another comeback? Johnson is not the type to let sleeping mutts, or his ambition, lie for long.