'Fancy that: my baby boxes are going to the Moon'

During those long and tortuous Covid days I silently sang myself to sleep with the calming words of Jump, a meditative etude by my favourite poet/songwriter duo, Eddie Van Halen and Dave Lee Roth:

"I get up and nothin' gets me down

You got it tough, I've seen the toughest around

And I know, baby, just how you feel

You got to roll with the punches to get to what's real."

And I thought about all those baby boxes that had, quite literally, transformed the way that health care is delivered throughout the world. At a reception in the US consulate the other week I was told by a friend who knows a junior researcher to an assistant deputy junior advisor at NASA that she’d heard an astronaut telling his girlfriend on a works night out: “Baby, box up all your goodwill and I’ll take it to the Moon and back.”

This made me so proud. Fancy that: my baby boxes are going to the Moon, no doubt so that any future alien life-forms who might happen upon it will know that Earth is an inclusive, diverse and diversely inclusive wee planet. And it was all down to Scotland.

You know; looking my back on my eight years as First Minister of Scotland there is much of which I can be proud.

Some of you might not know this, but I had once entertained the notion of being a stand-up comedian and practised my routines in the mirror. I was especially fond of Bernard Manning, whom some have unfairly criticised for being a wee bit sexist and close to the bone. But you know what: we girls have to own this territory and besides, Mr Manning broke down many cultural barriers by openly discussing women’s health issues in toxic male environments.

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Obviously, I wanted to be an author after my short story: "50 Shades of Dreghorn" was nominated for the North Ayrshire Rotary Club Book of the Month award. My good friend, Val says that if I could add a couple of decapitations, some live eviscerations and a night-time predator who after killing his victims, cuts them up and batch cooks them for the rest of the month, she was sure her agent would take a wee look at it.

However, I was inspired to become a politician after a heart-to-heart with my dearly departed good friend, Sean Connery who gave me the confidence to run for high office. “You’d be a shite, Nicola,” he once said in that captivating growl, “a shite for shore eyes.”

As many of you will know, I’m a real bibliophile and have read many political works. They always talk about how their success was down to team-work and praise the contributions of significant others. I think there’s a lesson for us all there. That often some people in the political party or movement have had to take the hit for others to survive troubled times. And that everyone gets rewarded further down the line.

I came into politics to make a difference and I believe I have. Some unionist media types still persist with lazy analyses. They say that there are 250,000 Scottish children living in poverty. But if it wasn’t for my baby box there might have been 350,000 in poverty.

It’s no secret that I was forced out of office by greedy women who refused to share their spaces with men who want to be women just like them. These people always complain about sexual inequality and how they are under-represented. And then, when you try to help them out by creating thousands more women to even things up they start to get uppity. They can’t have it both ways.

Joanna Cherry (Image: PA)

And do you know what? I have absolutely no problem with Joanna Cherry. Just because I didn’t call her after her threat ordeals doesn’t mean I didn’t care. In my weekly healing crystal sessions with Hester, my Carpathian spiritual mentor I often sent Joanna very healing vibes via the astral plane. If Joanna didn’t receive them then perhaps it was because of all her negative thoughts towards me. Get over yourself, Joanna.

I’m also proud of my record in reducing the academic attainment gap, which was one of my Number One goals. I know that, on paper, there wasn’t much movement at all, but that means nothing.

Most of the politicians I promoted in government or chose to get on the party lists were not exactly the sharpest tools in the box. But did I let that stop them? I certainly did not. Sometimes we need to be less judgmental. And that includes our school examination boards.

I was also hurt by accusations that, as a government, we were neglectful in our attitude to care home facilities by sending Covid-infected codgers there, thus turning these places into mortuaries. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this policy probably saved the lives of millions all over the world. At least we knew early doors just how lethal Covid-19 could be. And, incidentally, see that Rishi Sunak idea of National Service? Well, don’t knock it. I was considering setting up re-education camps operated by Stonewall, called Think You’re a Bloke: Think Again. Anyone convicted of a hate crime would be sent there for personal re-evaluation. Sadly, Humza wasn’t convinced which is why he had to go.

Since I was forced out of office I’ve been inundated with messages of goodwill from world leaders, including from around the world, thanking me for my efforts to advance world peace.

My new academic paper: detoxifying society (a zero tolerance approach to people who disagree with you) is to be published soon and some North American student groups have already shown an interest in it.

I’m also working on my first fictional novella. It’s about how a poor country girl rises to the top of politics and becomes the victim of a dastardly plot to unseat her.