At last, after years of division, the leaders of the Labour Party and the Conservative Party have come together in the face of a terrible national crisis.

It wasn’t the collapse of the NHS which brought them together. It wasn’t the horrors of homelessness, or the shame of child poverty. It wasn’t the ruin of Britain’s economy, or even the threat from hostile foreign states.

What united Westminster was the threat posed by the forces of "wokery". Both Labourite and Tory have put grievance aside to defend us against "wokeism". There will be no "wokey-cokey" with Messrs Starmer and Sunak at our backs.

The trigger for this spontaneous display of cross-party unity was, of course, the egregious offence to the nation’s soul caused by Nike changing the colours of the St George’s Cross on the England football strip.

Monsters.

Not since a sick princess mistakenly tried to shut up a baying mob with a tweaked picture, has there been such outrage across this green and septic land.

You’d think Britain hadn’t won the war, for pity’s sake.

Some may claim the very concept of "woke" is simply a nonsense term invented by superannuated hard-right culture warriors desperate for the days when you could happily beat your child with a stick.

Others say it’s some sort of political ruse, a means of deflecting attention away from so-called "problems" like food banks and high streets full of tumbleweed.

Woke cult members insist they don’t even know what "woke" means, and all they want to do is just try and be halfway decent to most folk and get on with their own lives.

They claim today’s anti-woke "hysteria" is just part of an endless cycle of right-wing extremism. Back in the 80s, they insist, the same fury was roused over "political correctness".

They claim "‘politically correct" was also an insult invented by right-wingers for folk back then who seemed, for some reason, to not like racism, sexism or homophobia.

Read more by Neil Mackay:

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In the beautifully bigoted 1970s, such subversives were known as "do-gooders": basically woke hippies, oppressing everyone with talk of women’s rights and why the Black and White Minstrel Show was disgusting.

Thankfully, the fightback is now fully under way. Rainbow lanyards have been banned in Holyrood, so nobody can be mistaken for a non-bigot or someone who likes LGBT people.

Hate crime legislation in Scotland has been exposed as a plot by the Gestapo, KGB and Stasi to arrest us at our kitchen tables.

There have been protests, thank heavens, to save us from what’s unfolding. The hard-right group Turning Point UK held a rally to defend “British Culture” vowing that “together we will continue to make our voices heard and stand up for our flag”.

Crowds of literally dozens flocked to the event, where People’s Tribune Laurence Fox railed against Nike’s desecration of the Union flag while wearing a pair of Nikes.

Soon woke soldiers were questioning how Nike could have offended anyone, given that the flag they wore on their uniforms while fighting overseas was all in green with no red, white and blue in sight.

One even posted an image of the green Union Flags that were on his combats, saying: “I wore these in Afghanistan. No outrage over it. Grow up FFS.”

Unbelievable.

Other woke maniacs posted images of all the different ways the Tory Party had played around with the Union Flag in its logos.

Can’t people understand that’s different? Patriots don’t make mistakes. Only wokes are bad.

Many fail to understand how dangerous matters have become. Lawyers are woke. Cars become woke once they enter Glasgow’s low emissions zone. Beer is woke if it’s drunk by trans people.

Fools have been heard to mutter that if you focus all your attention fighting what’s "woke", you tend to be asleep to the real problems in society. That’s basically treason talk.

Just thinking such thoughts should result in deportation to Rwanda - in the interests of free speech, of course.

The anti-woke are not repressing anyone when they call for sackings or shamings. The anti-woke take these hard choices to defend tradition: family, faith, flag. To protect those values, the wokes must be made to shut up. Permanently.

Lee Anderson warned he’d “be on the first flight to Rwanda” over the Nike flag atrocity. To which, really mean and cruel wokes began shouting "stop promising us a good time, 30p Lee"’.

If some company gets too woke, then boycott it until it breaks. The supermarket Iceland even had the audacity to create "hot tick buns" to sit alongside Easter "hot cross buns".

Andrea Jenkyns, the Tory MP who rightly flips the finger at voters, tweeted: “This is getting more and more ridiculous! Go woke, go broke.”

That’s the spirt, Andrea. There’s nothing better for the British economy than sabotaging a major supermarket over a bun.

With Christmas already banned and replaced by paganism, this "hot tick bun" disgrace was an assault on everything our Christian country holds dear. Jacob Rees-Mogg had to reach for his smelling salts. That’s not fair.

So this is the state we’re in: half of us are namby-pamby snowflake idiots who care about poverty and hospitals, while the rest of us are neck-deep in the anti-woke trenches trying to deal with the incoming shellfire of hot tick buns and England football tops.

The Herald: Laurence Fox at a “Rally for British Culture” protest, organised by Turning Point UK, at the Cenotaph in Whitehall, London on SaturdayLaurence Fox at a “Rally for British Culture” protest, organised by Turning Point UK, at the Cenotaph in Whitehall, London on Saturday (Image: PA)

Don’t wokes understand that it makes Britain’s bravest sons cry very hard when buns are changed, and football tops get a make-over?

What we should be paying more attention to, is the fact that £100,000 a year isn’t a large salary, as the British Chancellor just pointed out. Why are we worrying about hungry kids when stockbrokers can’t heat their swimming pools?

Although there’s very little left of our country any more, the one thing that still makes the anti-woke heart sing is our dear royal family. At least they remain steadfast.

That’s why Princess Kate had to be hounded into the public eye despite having cancer. Patriots just wanted to look at her.

The most patriotic action anyone can take these days is forcing the future Queen onto our TV screens - at clear risk to her health - to underscore just how much the anti-woke respect her Royal Highness.