A suite of shiny idioms is favoured by Britain’s Establishment cartels when they want to convey the sense that it’s time for change. Thus, there will be a "reset’ of strategies or a "rethink" of future directions. These often occur "across the board". Occasionally, there might even be a "recalibration" of priorities.

These will be "delivered" at some inexact point in the future and will be accompanied by "outcomes" which are merely "desired" rather than guaranteed. These will be of a gaseous and shifting nature and seem to come with an in-built mechanism whereby the message self-destructs in our synapses before they can lodge themselves in our long-term memories.

I’d half-hoped that King Charles would have used his accession to the British throne to signal his desire to change its essentially medieval and feudal character. Instead, the royal lickspittles in the British press have carried puff pieces suggesting that Charles would be the People’s King and that there would be a reset of priorities under him.

His Coronation, we’re assured, will be an opportunity for the rest of us to lend some of our time to charities and good causes. A few thousand people drawn from the masses will be invited down to the big day because, well … Charles wants this to be the "people’s Coronation".

The new King will travel with the Queen Consort in the gold coach used by his mum in 1953. But there’s a snag. The eight-horse drawn carriage originally commissioned by George III in 1760 for £1.6m in today’s money needs to be made more comfortable for the septuagenarian royal couple. Queen Elizabeth had complained that she didn’t have a comfortable ride in the coach to and from Westminster Abbey for her crowning.

However, Charles – eager to show that he will rule progressively – will only use the gold state coach on the return journey from the Abbey after his Coronation. As well as sparing the horses it will also save the public purse a few hundred quid in clearing up the horse manure dropped by the royal nags who, understandably, have become over-excited by their part in the big day.

Read more: Even Scotland's political dramas are embarrassingly piddling

The richest man in Britain, who has not earned a penny of his hand-me-down fortune, will spend whatever remaining time he has been allotted collecting rent on his feudal estates; domiciling in his multitude of palaces and castles while continuing to lend his name to some levelling-up initiatives. These all proceed on the basis that it doesn’t involve him doing any "levelling down".

In Scotland, recent polls have indicated that not many of us care much about the Coronation. There will be no street parties and few displays of bunting. The monarchy has never been less popular in Scotland than it is now and in the era of Charles – who possesses none of his mum’s charm and charisma – this downward trajectory will continue.

However, in a spirit of humility and civic decency, I think I can offer the new King a way of effecting a genuine reset of the monarchy, if only on a Scotland-wide basis.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who may or may not have been on the electric smarties at the time, has already asked the British public to participate in a “great cry around the nation and around the world of support for the King”. This will involve a new "Homage of the People", replacing the traditional Homage of Peers. Apparently, if you’re watching it on the television you need only say it out loud during the ceremony and you’re immediately enlisted in Charles’ new model serfdom.

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In Scotland, though I would humbly suggest that Charles might want to consider a Coronation Oath TO the people. It would signify a departure from the old feudal ways and might even extend the lifetime of his family in these parts.

The introduction would simply be a "recalibration" of the proposed Homage of the People. “I swear that I will pay true allegiance to the People of Scotland and to their heirs and successors. So help me God.”

Then I’d be having a short confessional in which Charles repudiates the greed, avarice, violence, slave-driving and cheating of his ancestors (and some of his contemporaries). This would be followed by a declaration of intent going forward.

“I do hereby renounce ownership of half of my 14 royal residences in Scotland: these to be chosen by an online poll of all Scottish citizens over the age of 18. Of the other half, I will agree to keep one for my own personal use. And as a member of a family of foreign migrants I pledge to re-classify the use of the remaining properties as shelters for migrants, refugees and asylum-seekers. Oh yes.”

“Furthermore, I agree to maintain all my honorary presidencies of Scottish charities on the condition that I volunteer one independently verifiable full day’s work at each of them in the course of a full calendar year.

“I do hereby also turn over all royal hunting estates to the stewardship of appropriate Scottish natural heritage agencies.

“I also provide a solemn guarantee that if any of my heirs and successors should lumber a Catholic in the course of their romantic peregrinations that said Catholic will not thereafter be compelled to renounce their fell papish ways.

“As a mark of good faith I swear to Almighty God (or whatever other deity is deemed appropriate by the people of Scotland) that I will personally host a number of visitors’ tours (totalling no less than 25 per annum) of my former royal residences; sign autographs and pose for selfies.

Read more: How the SNP took Scotland for a ride

"I do hereby also agree the annual repayment of a percentage of those monies and assets that I have personally benefited from in the course of my family’s business and property dealings in Scotland. And that an independent Scottish auditor will inspect my accounts to ensure full public accountability. I understand that Johnston Carmichael currently have a spare slot for a high-end client.

“I acknowledge that in the teeth of huge energy price rises and a cost of living crisis that it’s important I set an example. And that having a chauffeur drive me around in a gas-guzzler every time I’m here is simply unsustainable. And so, I agree to restrict myself to essential journeys only using a book of taxi chits provided by the appropriate local authority.

“While I’m resident in Scotland, I also agree to smarten up my physical deportment. Thus, I pledge to stand up straight, take my hands out my pockets and visit Ralph Slater’s Glasgow suit emporium to re-calibrate my choices in the threads department.”