JON Snow, the hardest-working retiree in town, is at it again. To the recent documentary he made on ageing, the former anchor of Channel 4 News has now added a memoir, The State of Us (speak for yourself, mate).
In a Guardian interview to publicize the book, the Snow man mourned the lack of gaiety in the public sphere. “I think politics has actually become less fun,” he said. “I don’t know what’s taken the fun out of it. We seem to run out of steam.”
One can only assume recent events in Scotland have passed him by. Up here, we’re having a grand old time. Indeed, not since the independence referendum of 2014 has joy been so unconfined.
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We should not have been surprised. Was it not the current First Minister who, this time last week, was giving the contest to replace her a big-build up? The SNP was “full of talented individuals more than up to that task”, she said, and we would enjoy watching them compete. I expect the crowds at the Colosseum were once of the same mind.
Trouble is, the enjoyment appears to be limited to certain quarters of society. The party at the centre of events is having a rotten time of it. This will not do.
In the spirit of friendship, it behoves those of us old enough to have witnessed other parties tear themselves apart to offer whatever advice we can.
No, really, do not mention it. We are glad to help.
First thing to say is that it happens to the best and worst of parties, so do not be embarrassed by the upheaval. It is in the nature of political parties that they should change with the times or be left behind. Sometimes, revolution rather than evolution is called for, and out of the fog of dispute new talents emerge. For more details check your own history and in particular the rise of a young chap named Alex Salmond.
The Conservatives seem to enjoy a monopoly on internecine warfare, but not that long ago Labour members were at it like red squirrels in a sack. Neil Kinnock still bears the scars of Labour's in-fighting. Large sections of the party detested Blair but put up with him because he was an election winner. Keir Starmer has had a time of it with the Corbynistas, which he has dealt with by putting everyone to sleep and making them forget he served in a Corbyn shadow cabinet.
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Closer to home, SNP members need only recall the years of blood-letting and leadership changes that went on in Scottish Labour prior to the party settling on Anas Sarwar. At one point almost every adult in Scotland, regardless of voting preference, had to take a turn as head of the branch office.
For internal nastiness that goes above and beyond, you cannot beat the Liberal Democrats. A ruthless election-winning machine when it puts its mind to it, the party will not hesitate to act if it feels its prospects threatened.
Members do not always choose replacements wisely. Tim Farron walked the plank after defeat in the 2017 election, because he felt “torn between living as a faithful Christian and serving as a political leader".
Doomsters had predicted it would happen. He will be challenged constantly about his faith, they said, his every position picked over. It will become an impossible distraction.
Fortunately, everyone learned their lesson and the mistake has not been repeated by any mainstream political party. Oh, wait …
Want to learn from the absolute best? Then it has to be the Conservatives, Westminster division.
The Real Madrid of tearing a party apart, the Tories can do this stuff in their sleep, and sometimes have.
They started big, with Margaret Thatcher, and finessed the process in the years that followed. Major, Hague, Duncan Smith, Howard, all useful preparation for the spectacular run of defenestrations that began with Cameron (self-inflicted) and has only recently ended (so the current occupant of Number 10 hopes).
Mention of Rishi Sunak brings us to some final words of advice, the first of which are for the candidates. Do prepare above and beyond for the inevitable televised debates. Do not try to get out of them, tempting as it may seem.
You may think the public does not care for such events. Wrong. There is not much on the telly until the new series of Succession drops, and in any case live debates can be such fun.
Only for the viewers, though. For everyone else, from hosts to spin doctors, they are a nightmare. With any luck squads of journalists will fly up from London again and show us local hayseeds what’s what. That’s always good for a giggle.
The last televised debates were those between Mr Sunak and Liz Truss. The latter lost every round but it did not matter because the voters had already decided who they wanted. The same will probably apply this time.
Which brings us to the most important piece of advice on offer to voters, and it is this: remember that your first choice to take to the dance may not be the person you end up with ultimately.
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Things happen. It is not unheard of for a selectorate to opt for a nifty little mover only for them to prove a disaster. Before you can say “Liz Truss” the victor has sneaked off to the bar and blown £30 billion on magic beans and dry roasted peanuts. At which point all hell breaks loose and the adults have to intervene.
So be careful Humza does not turn out to be Scotland’s Liz Truss. It might not be Humza. It could be Ash, Kate, or anyone else who cares to throw their hat in the ring by tomorrow when nominations close. Anyone fancy it? Anyone? No, really, anyone?
The point is, whoever you select, do so carefully. Think, think, and think again. If you don’t we could be back here again in a few months’ time.
I say “we” but who are we kidding? Whoever wins will become First Minister courtesy of a fraction of the Scottish electorate. No one else, for now, has a say. Such is democracy in the 21st century UK.
I don’t envy SNP members. They have been left with a mess not of their making, at a time not of their choosing, with candidates who are no one’s idea of a dream team.
The rest of us will be stuck with their choice for the foreseeable. Proceed with caution, people.
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