ARE there any words more ominous than “please stand for the national anthem”? Perhaps your chest swells. Perhaps the hair on your neck stands to attention. Perhaps you feel pride in the primary organ of your cardiovascular system. But don’t all reasonable people just think awkward?

The essential problem is that, however you word an anthem, they only ever speak to some of the population, not all. God Save the King for example says nothing to republicans and its inclusivity, diversity and equality is somewhat undermined by the chorus about Marshal Wade putting down the rebellious Scots.

National anthems also have very long memories. Flower of Scotland for example is still harping on about a battle in 1314 – perhaps 708 years is time enough to get over it. The other problem is it rather wallows in sentimental stereotypes about hills and glens. But does that have anything to say to Scots sitting in towns and cities scrolling through their phones?

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Fortunately, the chorus of criticism against Flower of Scotland appears to be growing. The rugby coach Jim Telfer said the other day that he doesn’t like the song because of its anti-Englishness. The former First Minister Jack McConnell also said he would prefer something more positive. And the Tory MSP Murdo Fraser called the song outdated and jingoistic.

But before you yell “unionists!”, Nicola Sturgeon, current First Minister of Scotland, has said something similar. Apparently, she likes belting out Flower of Scotland at Hampden or Murrayfield, but she’s also admitted she can see the problems with the song and has said the words are not the most uplifting or forward-looking. Ms Sturgeon, I agree with you.

There have already been a few suggestions for possible replacements, including from Ms Sturgeon herself who said the Dougie MacLean song Caledonia might work. But the problem with that song, as far as I can see, is that it’s pretty milky stuff served with 15 sugars: “let me tell you that I love you, That I think about you all the time … Caledonia's been everything I've ever had.” Too sweet for me.

Of course, we could try and come up with new lyrics to the song, or write a new song with more sophisticated, liberal sentiments, but the problem with that is that any attempt at new words inevitably starts to rely on the familiar sentimental or militaristic tropes. One of the other songs that’s been suggested is the melody Highland Cathedral but the attempts at lyrics so far go over familiar ground: “we will always be faithful and loyal to our country, one dream to share, God bless the people of this land so fair” and so on.

What you could try to do instead is ditch all the talk of battles, enemies, hills and glens, and try to come up with lyrics that are more modern and inclusive – something more aligned perhaps to the SNP’s self-proclaimed notion of “civic nationalism”. I’m no lyricist but perhaps they would go something like “Scotland, land of freedom, tolerance, and equaliteee, not at all like the nationalism of an English Toreee”.

You see the problem don’t you? Nationalism, including Scottish nationalism, inevitably relies on ideas of difference – if you didn’t think you were different to the guys over the border, why would you bother?

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But what you then have to do is look for the reasons you feel different and reasons to feel good about it, which is when you inevitably start to rely on military victories or sentimental notions about beautiful countryside or an idea that we are in some way better than our neighbours. I’m not immune to all of this by the way: start singing The Northern Lights of Old Aberdeen and watch me bubble, but it is not a sound basis for seeing the world as it really is.

Any attempt to retune the lyrics towards civic nationalism is also doomed for the simple reason that it would highlight the contradictions inherent in it. Ditch the 14th century battles, and Caledonia being all you’ve ever had, and God’s blessings on the people of this land, and you’re left trying to write lyrics that highlight the exceptionalism of Scotland while trying to include everyone. This is why some progressive liberals struggle with nationalism and would struggle to come up with appropriate lyrics. And what rhymes with “second referendum” anyway?

But I have a solution, I think. I understand that some people have problems with God Save the King, its monarchism and its religion, and I get that some have problems with Flower of Scotland and the way it harps on about the English, but that’s because as soon as you write down words about your country, someone will disagree with them. You cannot have one dream for all, or one song for all. It can’t be done.

The solution, I would have thought, is to do what a few other countries have done and have no words at all. The Spanish national anthem for example has had the usual militaristic lyrics in the past – “Long live Spain! Raise your arms, sons of the Spanish People, Glory to the Fatherland” – but they were ditched when Franco died and the tune has since become one of only four national anthems that have no official lyrics. Just the music. No words.

The obvious solution is for Scotland to do the same. You know the current state of things: as a consequence of the 2014 referendum, we are divided down the middle. You are a nationalist or a unionist whether you like it or not and what are the chances we could agree on words to a national song and if we couldn’t what would be the point?

So the answer is to have no words at all. You could call it God Save Scotland if you really wanted to but the point would be if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all.
And imagine for a minute how it would work.

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We’re all standing at some national event in the future, all of us together: unionist, nationalist, Tory, Labour, Christian, humanist, Weegie, Edinburgher, you, me. The new national anthem strikes up. I’ve no idea what the tune would be yet, but there’s nothing in there to annoy you because there are no words. There’s just a tune that means whatever you want it to mean.

It could be a symbol of the relationship that you, and just you, have with your country. It could be a way to move on from Flower of Scotland. It could be away, perhaps, finally, to move on from 1314.