Word up
Nicola Sturgeon’s delightful way with words (that Boris is a “f***ing clown” etc) was much in evidence at the UK Covid-19 Inquiry this week. Will her autobiography be as pithy, Unspun wonders. The former FM recently updated her MSP register of interests to record a £1000 (plus VAT) payment for a magazine article of 1,650 words. If she delivers at the same rate for her £300,000 advance, it would mean a magnum opus of more than 400,000 words, which is as long as Gone with the Wind. We’d all be f***ing clowns to wade through that.

Idea log
The article was a book review about a collection of non-fiction pieces by the late Hilary Mantel. The author of the Wolf Hall trilogy reckoned that religion for some was “protection against deeper thought”. To which Ms Sturgeon added: “I might observe that the same can be true of political ideology.” Though obviously only among Unionists. 

Fang club
Celebrity dentist Professor Jason Leitch also featured in the Covid Inquiry, where it emerged he coached Humza Yousaf in avoiding mask wearing by holding a drink. Can’t remember him telling the rest of us that one. After the gobby National Clinical Director gave evidence, it was the turn of low-key Prof Andrew Morris, chair of the Scottish Government’s Covid-19 Advisory Group. “I remember at the first meeting of the group I suggested we should be useful rather than famous,” he told Lady Hallett. Whoever could he have had in mind?

Great puddings
Grim faces at the Burns Day lunch in Holyrood, where those expecting haggis, neeps and tatties were aghast to discover the chefs had run amok. If you didn’t fancy vegetarian haggis and leek lasagne or vegan haggis fritters, the alternative looked like divots with golf balls on top. This turned out to be “haggis and potato cake with crushed turnip, poached egg and peppercorn whisky sauce”. Yours to throw in the bin for a fiver. As Burns said, the sort of offering that “wad stow a sow” or “mak her spew”.

Wing dings
Prof Leitch also featured in WhatsApps released on Friday in which he slagged off opposition MSPs to Mr Yousaf. Labour’s Daniel Johnson was a “smart a**e” and Tory Edward Mountain “rude”, he reckoned. “Everyone is a public health expert,” he eyerolled. Three weeks into his job as health secretary, Mr Yousaf replied: “I am winging it! And will get found out sooner rather than later.” You said it, sport.

Double cross
Back when he was an MP, Glasgow Labour MSP Paul Sweeney took a very dim view of Douglas ‘two jobs’ Ross missing a Commons vote to act as a football referee at the Nou Camp in Barcelona. A “perverse sense of priorities," Mr Sweeney harrumphed. However some second jobs are better than others. Mr Sweeney has just declared he is running to be rector of Glasgow University! 

Rubbish news
Those hoping to get to the bottom of the failed deposit return scheme are in for a wait. Circularity Scotland Ltd, the firm set up to administer Green minister Lorna Slater’s masterstroke, collapsed last July owing £80m, with a £9m state-backed  loan lost in the wreckage. Alas, the administration was this week extended to June 2025. Must be even more of a dumpster fire than we thought...