THIS is disgraceful. Reader’s voice: “What’s up wi’ ye noo?” I’ll tell you what’s up with me noo. I mean now. According to a survey by policy consultants Public First, confidence and trust in our politicians is at a new low.
Fine, you say. And I riposte perspicaciously: what about when lack of confidence tips over into dislike and even hatred? That’s not right. Politicians are the best of us. Despite the best efforts of socialists, Greens, Lib Dems, Scottish nationalists and the Marxist-Leninist wing of the Conservatives (a larger body than you’d think), they dress respectably and keep their nails trimmed.
Apart from emptying the bins, theirs is the ultimate public service. And, despite all appearances to the contrary, they’re not in it for themselves, but for their fellow man and person. Yet, still, they’re pilloried by the mob with its never-ceasing demands.
This pillorying by pillock has become worse with the advent of yonder internut. Such a lot of tripe is talked there. An inordinate number of citizens appear to back conspiracy theories, in which government, the media and the secret service are in cahoots with each other to, well, I’m not even sure to do what. Control the world, I guess, like the bad guys in The Man From Uncle (RIP David McCallum).
I’ll be quite candid with you here: in a lifetime of hanging around politics and papers I haven’t had even a whiff of this. Of course, it could be that’s just me being left out – as ever – but ah hae ma doots. Newspapers, the world I know best, muddle through from day to day. They just don’t have time to liaise with governments and the secret service to oppress the masses or even just Scotland.
As for governance, the only conspiracy I entertain is that it’s one big cock-up. Politics is essentially the management of cock-ups. Cock-ups, dear boy, cock-ups, as Harold Macmillan almost said, when running the country benignly back in the happy 1950s.
I wonder at growing animosity in society. Probably it’s because of a lack of war (at least on our shores). War provides both an enemy and a channel for aggression. Without it, violent attitudes are channelled through politics and football.

READ MORE: https://www.heraldscotland.com/business_hq/23802098.lost-soul-persecuted-good-lord-delight/


It’s instructive to watch Pathé News footage of 1950s football crowds, fresh from a horrible war, but all smiles and waves. Today, it’s all hatred and abuse. A goal is scored. The camera pans to the crowd making obscene gestures at the other team’s fans. It’s disgraceful.
I have known, though not well, several politicians, and they’ve been fine folk – in all parties. That said, I am naive and trusting. I know that. I blame a happy childhood.
True, even I have to admit that some politicians are appalling. They forget their principles and origins, become ambitious, get involved in manoeuvrings and shenanigans.
Indeed, come to think of it, I distrust anyone given to public speaking. It’s a tremendous conceit. And the desire to be the centre of attention is deplorable. It’s for shallow show-offs who eschew the spartan delights of sitting alone at home drinking oneself into oblivion.
Unexpectedly, therefore, in the course of writing this lecture or homily, I have now persuaded myself that the ignorant mob is correct. Politicians: they’re an absolute shower. The lot of them. 
Now, if someone will show me where you apply to get on yon internet, I intend venting ungrammatically in a most unrestrained manner.

Zoom grooms

ONE of the best things in my life that I didn’t do was get married. Partly, it was the hippie thing, but mainly it was because I hate to be the centre of attention. Well, ye ken, after the bride.
I don’t like indoor crowds either and, as hinted above, have a phobia about public speaking, which I thought the groom had to do. Also, I rarely had any money, though my researchers say someone else – the bride’s da or some unfortunate – is expected to pay for it. As with dying, the price of weddings is now absurd: between £20k and £30k on average. So much for matches and dispatches. I’m surprised they don’t charge for hatches, pinning an invoice to your placenta the minute you’re born.
It’s no wonder then that, faced with such costs, couples are opting for e-weddings, getting married online, with guests logging on to Zoom, Skype or Google Meet. It’s a thought, right enough. Even I might have considered marriage if it could have been done by email or text.
E-weddings started under Covid, which was caused by a conspiracy between the government, media and, er, MI5. And the cooncil.
Another way to cut costs is to get your bridalwear and blokewear at Sainsbury’s, which has started selling it. Its prestigious Tu range has dresses for £22 and white double-breasted suits for £68.
You could buy all that and still have enough for a pie and oven chips for your honeymoon meal, assuming you were just staying in the hoose and not going anywhere daft. 
Developments like these make me feel life is getting better for us all. Well, not me. But, ye ken, everybody else.

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