“OH, give me a home where the mortgages roam/where the poor working people must pay/where seldom is heard an encouraging word/and the honourable members all bray.”

Yep, paying for a hoose ain’t easy these days. But that’s the market for you. What goes up gets you doon.

At Prime Minister’s Questions, Labour opposition leader Keir Starmer got up to bring doon Rishi Sunak, quoting one of the PM’s own Tory MPs about a “mortgage catastrophe”. He asked rich Rishi if he knew how much this was going to cost the average house-owner.

If you’re ordinary or average by the way, the House of Commons is worth a watch. Everyone speaks up on your behalf.

Ordinary Tory PM Rishi averred: “As ever, the honourable gentleman isn’t aware of the global macro-economic situation.” The what now? Sounds kinda big.

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Mr Sunak again accused Sir Keir of bringing politics into everything, which reminded me of Basil Fawlty saying to the hospital nurse who’d warned him a doctor was coming: “My God, a doctor? I mean, here in the hospital?” My God, politics? I mean, here in Parliament?

As so often, Sir Keir answered his own question: £2,900 a year. Zatso? Rishi said: “Let’s just look at the facts.” Boring!

The PM ululated: “Perhaps the honourable gentleman could explain why interest rates are at similar levels in the United States, in Canada, in Australia and New Zealand.” Is the answer: because they were all founded by British people?

Sir Keir hit back: “I appreciate the Prime Minister has a keen interest in the mortgage market in California, but I’m talking about mortgage holders here.” Bit personal. Most ordinary people, like Rishi, have second homes in California and don’t get grief about it.

The Herald: Keir Starmer

The Labour leader added that, faced with a £400 a month mortgage rise, a policeman had told him he’d decided to sell his house, to downsize, and was forced to tell his children “they’re going to start sharing bedrooms”.

I was going to say, “Never did me any harm”, but in retrospect it broke my spirit completely and led me on the road to despair and failure that has brought me here before you today.

Rishi said he hoped Keir had explained to the poor rozzer that Labour’s policy would increase inflation and drive up interest rates. Er, isn’t that what’s happening at the moment? Just saying.

When Sir K said everything probably looked fine to Rishi “from the vantage point of his helicopter”, the PM condemned such “personal attacks”, adding: “He comes here every week to make the same petty points.” And what do petty points make, readers? Correct: great fun.

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“It’s all talk,” observed Mr Sunak of proceedings. By Jove, I think he’s getting the hang of this.

Stephen Flynn, the SNP’s Westminster leader, hangs around the Commons hoping for independence, but again declined the opportunity to haver aboot Auld Ma Scotia, speaking instead for the whole of Mother Britain when he averred: “In Febyurry, the Prime Minister told this here House” – as opposed to that there House – “that borrowing costs are back to where they should be.”

In March, he added, Rishi boasted the Government was on track to halve inflation, and in May he said economic optimism was increasing.

“Given the dire economic reality of today,” asked Mr Flynn, “is it not now clear that he’s taking his honesty lessons from Boris Johnson?” Gotcha cries of “Ah!” from the SNP benches, as if Stephen had just discovered penicillin.

Anglicised Scottish Tory (for an English constituency) Liam Fox was fed up of all this belly-aching: “Is it not time we heard more good news, talking Britain up?” Not now, Foxy. Read the room, mate.

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Gavin Newlands (SNP) lamented Scotia’s plight in being unable to watch fitba’ on the telly. The previous evening, the national side had unleashed its secret weapon – torrential rain – to defeat Georgia. “However, whilst English and Welsh fans could watch their national teams for free on Channel 4 and S4C, only a small fraction of Scots could watch the match, with many unable to afford the subscription to Viaplay.”

Gavin described this as “inherently unfair”, and asked for discussions with the culture and sport secretary to “fix the situation” – not a good choice of words for sport, but Mr N was bang on about this absurd state of affairs.

Scotland: probably the only country in the world that can’t watch its own national side on mainstream telly but can watch its neighbours. It left you with that same old feeling that it’s rubbish being Scottish. Doubly rubbish if you’re Scottish and have a mortgage.