Ever since his resignation in June 2021, the nation has had to somehow make do without its fix of Matt Hancock news. 

The wait is finally over. 

Matt Hancock? Is he the one who…

…hang on, I’m looking through a folder named ‘Tory Scandals, 2019-present’

…resigned after winching his colleague?

That’s the one!

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It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

He was breaching social distancing guidelines during a pandemic.

I bet the Health Secretary was raging with him. Who was that, incidentally?

Matt Hancock.

Oh. Why’s he in the news?

When I pitched this it was for launching his book, when I started writing this it was for appearing on I’m A Celebrity, and now it’s for having the whip suspended on account of his I’m A Celebrity appearance. 

Don’t stop him now.

You’ve just reminded me that a video entitled ‘Matt Hancock Singing (Queen - Don’t Stop Me Now) Tory Conference 2018’ exists.

How bad can it be?

I’ve just watched Matt Hancock sing “I’m a sex machine ready to reload” next to a gyrating Thérèse Coffey.

Is Matt Hancock a celebrity?

According to ITV producers he is. The West Suffolk MP will join Boy George and Chris Moyles in the jungle on Sunday. 

How have his fellow Tories reacted?

Chief whip Simon Hart took a dim view, calling it “a matter serious enough to warrant suspension of the whip with immediate effect”. 

Andy Drummond, deputy chairman of the West Suffolk Conservative Association, said he looked forward to seeing the 44-year-old “eating a kangaroo’s penis”. 

The man represented Boris Johnson’s government. He’s swallowed worse. 

Indeed. We’ll find out more about what he had to digest in his forthcoming book.

‘Matt Hancock: How I Presided Over Britain’s Catastrophic Pandemic Response?’

‘Pandemic Diaries: the Inside Story of Britain’s Battle Against Covid’. In fairness, it’s not the most embarrassing Tory book due out this winter. 

What’s that?

That would be Harry Cole and James Heale’s ‘Out of the Blue: the Inside Story of Liz Truss and her Astonishing Rise to Power’. 

I can’t find that anywhere.

It’s now called ‘Out of the Blue: the Inside Story of the Unexpected Rise and Rapid Fall of Liz Truss’. 

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Will she have a chance to tell her side of the story?

She is expected to tell the full story of her time as Prime Minister in a no-holds-barred, tell-all pamphlet.

What would her Queen karaoke song be?

Another one bites the dust. 

Sell Hancock’s book to me.

Have YOU drawn the colleague you’re having an affair with for Secret Santa?