Anger management

THE rage of the Scottish people is legendary. We become “fizzin’ mad” when an English shopkeeper refuses to accept our nifty notes as legal tender. And we’re “pure bealin” when our favourite tipple is spelt with an additional Irish ‘e’ to become whiskey. (A parsimonious Scot would never be so profligate as to squander an unnecessary letter of the alphabet. We even manage to trim a few unwanted letters from another beloved refreshment, Irn Bru.)

This week David Moyes, the Scottish manager of West Ham United, grumpily blootered a ball that proceeded to boing off a ball boy, proving yet again that the argy-bargy Alba rabble have a fuse that is shorter than Danny DeVito in socks.

Thankfully steps have been taken to sooth the savagery that rages in the national breast. Labelled the ‘Cackle Cure’, it is a panacea patented by the Diary, which we administer to both young and old, and everybody in between. The following classic tales from our medicine cabinet will hopefully supply our readers with a fury-free few minutes of fun…

Energy crises

A READER was in a city centre newsagents when a wee wifey brought in a packet of batteries, and said she wanted to return them.

When the shopkeeper asked what was wrong with them she explained they had only worked for a few weeks, yet it said on the side they would not expire until 2024.

Food for thought

THE unexpected delights of workplace cuisine. A chap used to work in Shettleston where there was a cook on the back shift who always had a cigarette in her mouth.

“One night,” recalled this chap, “I had a fried egg roll and my mate asked for ‘the same, but without the black pepper,’ only to be told, ‘it’s no black pepper.’”

Rubbish relationship

A REGULAR in an Ayrshire pub told us there was a surprise when one of the other imbibers announced he was taking his wife to the pictures, as no one in the pub could recall him ever accompanying his wife on such an occasion.

When they asked him what prompted this, he replied: “She told me that I took the bins out more often than her. And I couldn’t argue with her logic.”

Doesn’t add up

A PRIMARY teacher told us he was concerned about how much television featured in the lives of his little charges. He asked one pupil: “What’s 41 and 70?”

The tot replied: “Sky Sports and CBBC channels.”

Fast finances

AT a time when the budget was being widely discussed, a reader was asked by a colleague at work: “If the economy’s slowing down, how come it’s so hard for me to keep up with it?”

Mind your language

A GLASGOW pub pontificator was once heard to mutter: “Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?”