IT’S all kicking off in social media. I make a virtue of abjuring it, which doubtless occasions derision, but leaves me pure of heart and ignorant of mind.

While happily indulging in public self-denigration, I’m wary of overdoing the “look at me, I’m so ignorant of new technology” trope. That’s tiresome. And I’m not that ignorant anyway. I was early on email, and even on Facebook (quickly gave it up) and, while I’ve never been on Zoom, I was Skyping 14 years ago. I was unconsciously ahead of the curve, now I’m consciously behind it. My choice.

In this week’s lecture, I deal authoritatively with four elements of electronic technology in the news this week.

(1) Twitter: it’s been taken over by Elon Musk, who I believe is a spaceperson. As such, he believes in free speech, which has upset the woke, who don’t. The development encourages the idea that Derek Trump, if that’s the name, might return to Twitter. He was banned from it, while the Taleban are not.

All my friends on Twitter say they hate it, and recount instances of saying something innocent that caused them to be hounded by mobs of one political hue or other (usually a faction of their own cause). Pals envy my non-participation in Twitter, but seem unable to break their addiction. To quote Mr Trump: “Sad.”

(2) Google: the internet search engine has announced more policing of language, with helicopters hovering at 3am over the home of anyone who uses the word “policemen” or “housewife”.

I’m not troubled with gradually altering language to reflect new cultural realities, but I don’t like being told what to say. Suggest that “humanity” might be better than “mankind”, and I’ll probably adopt that (indeed have, when I remember). But try bullying me into saying “stay-at-home spouse” instead of “housewife”, and I’ll say “housewife”.

At any rate, campaign group Big Brother Watch has denounced Google’s move as “creepy”. Correct. There’s something 1984 about this lexicological surveillance.

(3) Apps: never understood them. They’re just websites on your phone. Websites tell you to download their app, which is the same as the website.

Apps were in the news because of councils adopting cashless car parking, with folk expected to pay electronically via an app on their phone. Problem: you can’t get a signal in many covered car parks.

Problem: you’ll probably be asked for a password, which you can’t look up on that file you keep on your computer because you don’t have that with you, and the “word processor” “app” on phones is never usable. Problem: some old people don’t have smart phones. I don’t know why this is, though I’ve a solution: they should remain at home playing their gramophone records.

(4) Doomscrolling: experts have warned about the dangers to mental health of obsessively watching war footage or other horrific coverage.

It’s not just on social media, but on television and in newspapers too, with idiot websites and their insensitively titled “Most popular” sections: “(1) Watch child and kittens crushed by tank.” Here’s my advice: just don’t look. I don’t. I don’t read stories about children being ill-treated, appalling sex crimes, war atrocities or cruelty to animals. I note the headline with a shudder and move on.

Young persons in particular may feel a need to know, not to run away from the realities of a cruel world. But as you grow older you adopt the maxim: always run away. If you don’t, images conjured by horrific stories can stay with you for years.

I hope my suggestions and analyses have proved helpful. If not, you can go boil your head, after first announcing this on Twitter, then downloading the “Boil your head” app, which can be found by a Google search.

Head office

IF Ben Wallace succeeds Boris Johnson, that will be two prime ministers in a row I have met briefly – long before they were to become so infamous.

You’ll recall I briefly met Boris in Northern Ireland, when he was a journalist, and I offered him a lift with us from Belfast to Dublin. We were part of a hack-pack hounding US President Bill Clinton on a tour of Ireland.

Boris demurred, partly I think because of the risk that Ian Bell, one of our number with whom he’d be sharing a back seat, might have pushed him out of the vehicle on a dangerous bend.

Ben I met briefly in the lobby of the House of Commons about 15 years ago, when he upbraided me for calling him pie face in a parliamentary sketch. I was forced to correct him. It was pudding face.

At least he had the decency to laugh at the dessert-style description. Alas, since then, Mr Wallace has gone bald, meaning he will never lead this – or that – country, as irrationally prejudiced voters would never stand for it.

This column has often noted, or started, the idea that men go bald because of too many lewd thoughts. Arguably, this is an absurd idea promulgated by irresponsible columnists making up false scientific claims in a deplorable quest for cheap laughs. On the other hand, it could be true. Who am I to say?

Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.