Totally losing it

THE strain of Boris Johnson's unwanted survival has been taking its toll on the Scottish Tories at this weekend’s conference in Aberdeen. Chief whip Stephen Kerr, who said the PM’s exit over partygate was inevitable, suffered a dental nightmare in his speech, when his crown fell out and he had to scrabble around the stage for it. Meanwhile lead u-turner Douglas Ross got a bug and reportedly lost his voice. He managed to use it briefly to introduce the PM yesterday, but his minders say he might do just five minutes in today’s main address. But as it includes an appeal to the “silent majority”, what could be more apt? 

Highland ding

THE Prime Minister seemed to enjoy his appearance, even if Mr Ross didn't, poking fun at SNP Westminster leader Ian Blackford. Referring to the infamous way the Edinburgh-born financier styles himself, the PM said his Government’s gigabit broadband would bring a smile to even the “humblest crofter as he goes online, perhaps to order a new waistcoat”. He also suggested a new career for Alex Salmond now his Kremlin TV gig is kaput. He could “join his fellow cosmonauts in orbit”, chuckling: “I have a feeling that might be one of the issues on which Nicola Sturgeon and I secretly see eye to eye.”

Hair pair

NAT MSP Karen Adam went back to her roots this week, telling Twitter she’d abandoned years of peroxide to “really embrace” the natural brunette within. “No spare time to keep up the blonde!” But could another MSP go in the opposition direction? Speculation is rife about the forthcoming marriage of Tory MSP Maurice Golden and former Tory MP Kirstene Hair. In particular, whether the newly weds will go double-barrelled. It would mean raven-headed Maurice would become Mister Golden-Hair. Go on, Mo. We all need cheering up. Pleeease.

Boris minor

EVEN the conference brochure was painful for Mr Ross, for there is little worse than praise from someone you can’t bear. In his intro, Boris Johnson said the Scottish Tory leader had shown “excellent leadership”. It was not reciprocated. In his intro, Mr Ross name dropped no fewer than 10 of his MSPs, and even mentioned Nicola Sturgeon. Yet curiously, he couldn’t find space to mention Mr Johnson. In fact, the only Tory who did was tweedy Scottish Secretary Alister Jack - as loyal as a Labrador and almost as clever that one. 

Up for sail

Michael Gove started the week with a grilling over ministerial links to Russian oligarchs and other Tory donors. How well did he know Roman Abramovich, he was asked on TV. Had he been on his superyacht? To which Mr Gove replied: “I’ve never met him. I think the biggest boat I’ve been on is the CalMac ferry from Oban to Colonsay.” There’s certainly no mistaking the two. The yacht moves.

A cute triangle

THE SNP was dragged uncomfortably down memory lane this week, when it emerged the woman at the centre of a famous party scandal would be a candidate in May’s council elections. Serena Cowdy, who was in a ‘love triangle’ with then married Nat MPs Angus MacNeil and Stewart Hosie, will stand in Abroath. After her tryst with Mr MacNeil she married Mr Hosie. But might she pine for the old days? Her candidate video ends with the words “Ambition for Angus” filling the screen. That is the council, right? Right?