Stroppy Steve
THE Diary was shocked to learn that the Crown jewels have been stolen. Our first thoughts naturally went to Nicola Sturgeon, who will no longer be able to borrow a diamond encrusted tiara from Buckingham Palace when she eventually decides to crown herself Queen Nic the First of Scotiaville.
We were later relieved to discover that the genuine royal bling remains safe and sound, and that it’s only replicas used in the Netflix show The Crown that have gone AWOL. Nevertheless, with treasure-hunting pilferers on the prowl, our readers will naturally be demanding assurances that the Diary’s cache of classic tales from our archives are stored in a safe place. Fear not, faithful follower!
A burly fellow who goes by the name of Ever So Slightly Stroppy Steve has them under lock and key. And if anyone should attempt to nab them, he promises to get ever so slightly stroppy, and tear the fiendish thief limb from limb. (We wouldn’t like to see our security guard when he’s REALLY niggled.)
Luckily for us, Steve occasionally lets us borrow classic tales for our readers to enjoy, which we do, once again, today.
Just make sure not to take too long reading them. Or Steve will be wanting a quiet word…
Pretty awful behaviour
WE recall the Labour conference where a Glasgow trade unionist chairing a session was trying to pick out the next speaker from the delegates holding up their hands. He horrified those present by declaring: “That lassie in the red frock. No, not you hen, the pretty one in the next row.”
Slip up
A GLASGOW office worker made a presentation to other staff members about the project he was working on. His opening words to the assembled audience was: “The boss told me to start with a joke.”
He then projected a picture onto the screen… of his wage slip.
Fruity remark
AFTER some blustery winds it was natural that some folk would take the mickey. An English chap visiting Scotland told the Diary: “I think there’s been panic buying in Scotland because of the extreme weather. I was in five supermarkets in Lanarkshire and couldn’t find any fresh fruit or vegetables in any of them.”
Eyes wide shut
THE daughter of a reader was driving her three tired children home, but didn’t want them falling asleep in the car.
Seeing her two-year-old with eyes closed, she told her: “Don’t you close your eyes!”
“I’m not,” came the reply, “I’m just looking at my eyelids.”
Window washout
A COMPUTER repair shop in Glasgow had difficulty with its support staff phoning customers to offer them a software update.
It seems that phoning folk and saying: “Ahm gonnae come roon an’ put yer Windows in,” wasn’t regarded as all that welcoming.
Micro movie man
“THE girlfriend was looking through holiday brochures,” said a chap in a Glasgow pub. “So I asked her if she fancied a wee cruise. She got very excited until I told her, ‘Well, the film star Tom is back in the market, according to the newspapers.’”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here