Dream state

EVER have that dream where you’re naked, panicking in an exam you didn’t revise for, while everyone else is dressed and fully prepared? Well don’t worry if you haven’t because now you can watch Aberdeenshire Tory MP Andrew Bowie experience his version of the nightmare on iPlayer. Told on Wednesday’s Politics Live that his mate Christian Wakeford had just defected to Labour, his face dissolved in terror. “I would be very surprised if Christian was about to jump ship to the Labour party right now,” he garbled. “He’s a solid Conservative.” Minutes later Mr Wakeford crossed the floor. Ouch.

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MR Bowie's woes earned him little sympathy. One Tory MSP tutted about him initially questioning if the defection was real. “You don’t query a tweet from Laura Kuenssberg,” they gasped. We’re sure that if he ever leaves the fetal position Mr Bowie will bear it in mind. 

Masked Clanger

TWO SNP MSPs have also been suffering from communication pains. Public Finance minister Tom Arthur tried to wind up in Wednesday’s council funding debate by mumbling through his facemask. Belatedly peeling it off and tossing it aside, he groaned: “I’m still not getting used to this after two years.” A little later Fergus Ewing tried to raise a point of order online, but only silence ensued. “I apologise, Mr Ewing,” said Presiding Officer Alison Johnstone. “I believe that connectivity issues are preventing us from hearing you at the moment.” Mr Ewing, awkwardly, used to be Connectivity Secretary.

Smirk Douglas

SCOTTISH Tory leader Douglas Ross had a moment this week, too. The Moray MP couldn’t have believe his luck - or hide his glee - when Pete Wishart, the SNP chair of the Scottish Affairs committee, had his flight delayed. Dougie immediately volunteered to chair the committee in his absence. “Order, order,” he grinned as he opened proceedings. Alas, Mr Wishart turned up not long afterwards, and Mr Ross had to scram. “I am very pleased to hand the Chair back over to Pete Wishart,” he smiled in utter agony. Mr Wishart then effusively thanked the witnesses - and didn’t mention Mr Ross’s efforts at all.

Plaque build-up
TALKING of Tory performances, millionaire party donor turned Scotland Office minister Lord Offord made his maiden speech on Thursday. As he is liable to do, he fair banged on about his state education at Greenock Academy. Indeed, so much does he love his now-closed Alma Mater that for its 150th anniversary bash, we hear he bought all the attendees a plaque with the school crest on it, which some seemed to think excessive. Still, as his brother is a dentist, Lord Offord always knows where to turn if he gets excess plaque again. 

Scandal in the Wind
MR Ross’s Labour opposite at Holyrood, Anas Sarwar, had a far better week, scoring a palpable hit at FMQs by digging into £700m of new offshore wind farm licensing deals. Nicola Sturgeon was livid when Mr Sarwar pointed out some of the megacorps involved had highly “questionable human rights records”, including use of slave labour and convictions for bribery. Unspun’s mole reports the FM was still raging as she left the chamber, telling Mr Sarwar he’d been outrageous to air the subject. Sounds like someone struck a nerve, and someone is nervous.