A simple plan
IN Japan a 63-year-old man has been caught breaking into the school he attended as a youth in the hope of retrieving items confiscated from him by a teacher more than 40 years previously. He was attempting to find the teacher’s contact information in school records.
This is clearly extreme behaviour. Surely it would have been far more sensible for the fellow to build a time machine and programmed it to leap into his own past. Then he could have found his young self and advised him not to take the items to school on the day they were confiscated.
Easy-peasy!
The Diary, meanwhile, understands the pull of the past. For we occasionally like to indulge our readers by revelling in classic tales from our archives, such as the following gems…
Eye, eye
A THIRSTY reader was in a Bellshill hostelry, one of the first watering holes to show 3D football on TV.
“There was a fair crowd wearing the standard issue Roy Orbison 3D glasses, enjoying the game,” recalled our reader.
Then in walked an elderly local who, not being up to speed with the new technology, exclaimed: “Blimey! I’ve never seen to many blin’ folk in the wan pub before.”
Fairy tale finish
A BRIDGE OF WEIR correspondent had a friend who lost a shoe on the bus. No, it wasn’t a drunken night out, but the fact that she has dressier shoes she wears at work, which she carries in a bag, and one of them had fallen out without her noticing.
After phoning the bus company, she was delighted to discover it had been handed in. Hubby was dispatched to the bus depot to collect it.
When he entered the office and explained his mission, the chap behind the counter called to the back office: “Wullie, that’s Cinderella’s man here!””
Heavy duty conversation
AN intrigued reader overheard two women in a West-End boozer discussing men. The chubbier one told her stick-thin pal: “Men prefer romancing women with meat on their bones.”
“Really?” her pal shot back with eyebrow raised. “Did your boyfriend tell you that?”
“No,” replied the large girl. “Yours did.”
The social network
A PUPIL sitting outside the office in a West Dunbartonshire school asked the girl next to him: “Who ur you waitin’ fur?”
The girl replied: “Ma big sister’s collecting me. They couldn’t contact ma mum. She’s oot wi’ her personal trainer.”
The young lad thought about this, then asked: “Is that like a social worker?”
Cutting comment
AFTER a disappointing Winter Olympics for Great Britain a reader spotted a headline on the BBC website which read: “GB men’s curlers out after defeat.”
He thought to himself: “That’s nice to get your hair done to cheer yourself up after a disappointment.”
Boozy badinage
“I JOKED with the wife,” said a loudmouth in a bar, “that she better not be tempted by all those good-looking instructors now she’s joined a gym. She told me not to worry. She said did I really think she’d still be living with me if she could pull one of them?”
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