OH, Budget Day: it’s like Christmas without the presents. There’s Santa in his suit and tie, with his demented elves capering about on the green benches.

In less complex times, most voters just looked out for what was happening to fags and booze. Now, there are so many complicated taxes, duties, subsidies and green measures that it’s difficult to get to what’s important.

But we’ll fall off that bridge when we come to it. First, let’s trundle bumpily along the pot-holed approach road that was Prime Minister’s Questions. Yesterday’s classic episode featured more hot air about global warming, with the PM uncomfortably playing warm-up to his rival, Chancellor Rishi Sunak.

At least they were both there. With Labour opposition leader Sir Keir Starmer self-isolating (again), and his deputy Angela Rayner absent through bereavement, the black spot was passed to former leader Ed Miliband.

To loud, sustained cheering, mainly from the Tories, he ululated: “Just like the old days!” Poor Ed. He’s even nicer and more reasonable than Sir Keir: a recipe for disaster in politics.

Gently, he asked collegiate questions about COP26, before the PM, one Johnson, B., stamped on Ed’s fluffy head by averring that climate change didn’t warrant confiscating the lieges’ cars and restricting them to one aeroplane flight every five years, as Labour (allegedly) planned.

Moaned Mr Ed: “What this country needs is statesmanship not partisanship.” With petted lip, he added: “That’s not the way I did PMQs.” No, and look at you now, mate.

Actually, no, don’t look at Ed. Listen to this airy guff from Boris: “I talked with President Putin, I think it was yesterday, and he …” Wait, he thinks it was yesterday? Maybe it was his butler or the boy delivering the vegan pizza (cheers, Carrie). Well, they all sound a bit foreign.

Speaking of which, warm groans indicated that Ian Blackford, leader of the SNP at Westminster, had risen to orate, his subject being famine in Afghanistan.

It was unfortunate, therefore, that the next speaker, David Warburton (Con), used his spot to remind the House that it was National Cheese Toastie Day. “They are the nation’s favourite snack,” he vouchsafed. Fascinating fact of the day.

The facts of the Budget are far harder to establish. It was a Budget for working people (Sunak). It was a Budget for bankers, property speculators and landlords (Labour). Magnifying glasses out then, readers, as we peruse the small print.

By which, of course, I mean the last few days’ newspapers. Deputy Speaker Dame Eleanor Laing opened proceedings by complaining about the discourtesy of briefing the media before MPs. “We’re very much looking forward to the remainder of your announcement,” she told the Chancellor testily.

Dishy Rishi’s teeth gleamed as he smiled and promised he had “the greatest of respect” for the Speaker and Deputy Speaker. Aw. You could happily take him home to meet your parents. “Look, Mum, I’ve left the Hell’s Angels and have this nice friend now. He can do sums an’ that.”

Mr Sunak’s intelligence and grasp of economic matters might outweigh the handicap of his niceness in trying to be PM, but I doubt it. There’s just no menace behind that smile. So, what words shimmied forth from that winsome space between his cheesing teeth?

Well, there were the usual ups: jobs, growth, wages, levelling, the balloon. He was offering “an economy for a new age of optimism” – some hope – and he claimed: “This Budget confirms the Conservatives are the real party for public services.” The who, now?

There was the usual textbook Tory guff about “fiscal responsibility”. But what about folk with barely two fiscals to rub together? Well, it seems the Conservatives are also champions of the poor and low paid. Who knew?

The National Living Wage is going up to £9.50 – equivalent to one woolly hat – an hour, and he was increasing the allowance for working people on Universal Credit. Two million toilers earn wages so low they need added welfare: a proud Conservative achievement.

Talking of welfare recipients, the Scotch and other Celtic misfits would get an increase in their bountiful Barnett Formula. Quoth Rishi: “We are and always will be one family, one United kingdom.” Oh, must we be?

Rishi’s main concern, though, was addressing “the People’s Priority”: cider. Less duty on lower strength alcohol would benefit … cider. A “small producers’ relief” would benefit … cider. A “draught relief” in pubs would benefit … cider. Man was obsessed. I was surprised he didn’t add: “How do you like dem apples?”

Shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves certainly had got the pip. Borrowing Boris’s Churchillian fancy dress, she declaimed: “In the long history of this Parliament, never has a Chancellor asked the British people to pay so much for so little.”

She accused the PM and his Chancellor of operating a classic con, the former distracting voters with his japes while the latter picked their pockets. With them, it was always “promises of jam tomorrow”. Yes, some say that’s the preserve of the Conservatives.

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