AMBULANCES. What are they like? You wait all day for one, and then none turn up at once.

At least, that was Douglas Ross’s pitch at FMQs, where he described agonised patients waiting yonks for a ride, and then ages stuck outside overflowing A&E units.

Indeed, such is the state of Scotland’s emergency caravan service, the average time between making a tremulous 999 call to trundling into hospital has now risen from one hour to six. 

Did Nicola Sturgeon not find that “shocking and unacceptable”?

The First Minister agreed it wasn’t braw, but pressures on the NHS had been “in some respects exacerbated by the pandemic”.

And rest assured, Scotland’s unluckiest man, Health Secretary Humza Yousaf, had talked to the chief executive of the ambulance service that very morning (after the Daily Record reported the stats).

The Scottish Tory leader upped the stakes. The ambulance service had long been “in crisis”, yes?

The FM upped them back. Those pressures on the NHS had actually been “significantly exacerbated by Covid”, she remembered.

And don't forget the Scottish Ambulance Service serves "some of the most rural areas" in the UK. 

Mr Ross riposted with some case studies. Like the suspected stroke sufferer who took 14 hours to get to hospital after falling sick in far-flung, rural Bearsden.

Or Jim from Pitlochry whose son collapsed and gave up waiting for an ambulance after his lips turned blue and drove him to hospital.

“I do not know whether Jim is watching, but he might be, so I will address him directly," said the FM, her discomfited backbenchers as silent as an NHS24 helpline. 

“First, I am extremely sorry that the wait that you had happened, and I do not think that that is acceptable. I am trying to address the issues genuinely.”

Oh, and by the way, NHS issues “have been significantly deepened and exacerbated by a once-in-a-century global pandemic”.

I do worry about how ministers will cope when the pandemic ends and the Covid tide finally goes out, exposing their achievements to the elements. It's such a great comfort.

Next up, Anas Sarwar picked holes in Ms Sturgeon’s detail-lite vaccine passports plan.

“A little more grown-up politics on this issue would go a long way,” the First Patroniser sniffed.

The Scottish Labour leader waggled the skimpy blueprint.

"There are businesses impacted by vaccine certification that have longer cocktail menus," he said.

Ms Sturgeon was not amused.

"Clever quips might sound good in a student union, but when we are trying to deal with a global pandemic, it is more important that we have the solutions that help to keep people safe," she growled.

Mr Sarwar rolled his eyes. Told off for being too clever, indeed.

If there had been an ambulance less than an eternity away he might have split his sides laughing.