THE last day of term before Easter recess, and you could see every MSP face glazing over in Homer Simpson-like reverie. Mmm, eggs. Mmm, chocolate. Mmm, escape.
All except our education secretary, John ‘Woodwork’ Swinney. Poor Woodwork, he was rated a whizz at finance, and had almost been forgiven for leading the SNP into a ditch.
But then the First Minister dropped him into in the portfolio from hell, and suddenly he wasn't as bright as everyone thought he was.
At FMQs, he sat close to Nicola Sturgeon, blinking nervously and clutching his lucky protractor, as the education posers came thick and fast.
“Does the First Minister believe that Scotland’s schools are staffed with enough teachers?” asked Tory leader Ruth Davidson.
“The education secretary and I have been very open about the recruitment challenges in parts of our education system,” said Ms Sturgeon, instantly bringing Woodwork into it.
He winced at the mean lady’s mean trick.
“The simple and correct answer would have been, ‘No, they are not’,” Ms Davidson huffed, before rattling off a load of unflattering statistics about falling teacher numbers.
“The number of the teachers fluctuates over a period of years in line with fluctuations in the number of pupils in our schools,” replied Ms Sturgeon haughtily.
Oooh, mouthed Woodwork. Fluctuate. That must be the longest word ever invented.
However, as fluctuations are meant to go up as well as down, Ms Davidson was unimpressed. “It is not a fluctuation; we are down more than 4,000 teachers!”
The FM insisted the “recruitment challenges” were being addressed.
“We have opened up 11 new routes to get teachers into classroom,” she said. Eg press gangs.
“We have asked the General Teaching Council to look at what more can be done to motivate supply teachers.” Eg a functioning education system.
The FM was only having to take such remedial action “because her Government has been asleep at the wheel for the last decade”, said Ms Davidson.
She was obsessed by independence. What was her priority? “Separation or education?”
Ms Sturgeon looked pained. Woodwork leaned in urgently to offer advice.
“Would you like to see the lamp I made last term? Mum says not to chew the wire.”
The First Minister sighed and said it was the Tory leader who always “tries to shoehorn in the reference to the constitution. I do not know how Ruth Davidson spends her week when she is not appearing in comedy shows.”
She then listed a screed of duties in an average week, including dealing with the budget, the NHS, jobs, childcare and “signing an economic partnership agreement with Bavaria”.
Woodwork shivered. Nasty bavaria. Get it from moskeetos.
As the list became a filibuster, became a marathon, SNP MSPs cheered louder and louder, drowning out the Tory catcalls.
“The difference between the Government and the Tories is that they debate and we deliver!” Ms Sturgeon ended triumphantly.
Mr Swinney frantically cheered and clapped amid the celebrations. The mean lady might let him keep his job after all.
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