For Pete’s sake
YAY! It’s panto season.
(“Oh no it isn’t!” roars every Diary reader. Wheesht, you lot, and let us get on with the story.)
One of the best Crimbo shows in Scotia this winter is Peter Pan at Glasgow’s King’s Theatre, where hur oaffa telly, Elaine C Smith, and the brilliantly bampoterish Johnny Mac are providing the giggles, guffaws and groans.
You can enjoy all the fun until January 5, and we asked Johnny to give us a sneaky peek at one of his favourite gags from the show. So take it away, Mr Mac…
"Sad news. My obese parrot died. But the good news is it’s a big weight off my shoulders."
Footie faux pas
ROD Stewart has been going almost as long as the Christmas panto tradition, and his taste in clothing makes your average panto dame seem shy and reserved.
Rod recently confirmed that he will be gigging at Glastonbury next year. Meanwhile, on social media he’s celebrating his love of football by posting pictures of his spiffy private gym, which is festooned with green and white scarves.
“Guess what football team I support,” says Rod.
One follower, perhaps not that clued up, replies: “Buckie Thistle?”
Old yeller
A HERALD article about John Swinney and David Lammy backtracking on the intemperate comments they previously made about Donald Trump reminds Nigel Dewar Gibb of the tale about the Wild West gunslinger.
Battering aside the swing doors, he strides into the saloon, gun in hand, and roars: “Who painted my horse yellow?”
An even larger gunslinger stands up and says menacingly: “I did.”
Gulping, the first bloke says: “I just wanted to tell you the first coat’s dry.”
Clock watching
AS the year 2024 becomes increasingly decrepit, white-haired and wrinkly, many of our readers realise the same process is overtaking them.
Brian Wadham has alighted upon a new way of describing this mortifying experience, which he shares with the Diary...
“Definitions: Dotage = Old age. Anecdotage = The age when a person can no longer do anything, so they bore everyone with tales of what they once did. (Or think they once did.)”
With a sluggish sigh, Brian elucidates further: “I have reached that age…”
Fiscal flop
AN economically-astute reader gets in touch to explain: “Given Rachel Reeves’ performance, perhaps she should be known as the Chancer of the Exchequer.”
Mind your language
A GRAMMATICAL grump from reader Douglas Baker, who complains: “Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.”
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