Flight of fancy

A DIARY yarn about a roguish bus driver reminds Bob Byiers of the classic story concerning an Orkney flight from Westray to Papa Westray, which is the shortest airborne jaunt in the UK, lasting just over one minute. 

The final passenger had boarded and sat in an empty seat at the front. This chap began complaining loudly about the late arrival of the pilot.

Eventually, in extreme frustration, he said "Och, I'll drive it ma'sel," and got into the pilot's seat, much to the alarm of the other passengers. 

It transpired that he was the real pilot enjoying a joke. Unfortunately, his employers didn’t see the funny side...

 

Boxing clever

WE’RE discussing the perils of owning a telly.

Gordon Fisher from Stewarton has been telling us about friends of his grandfather, who were concerned about getting caught without a TV licence after they discovered that licensing spies were combing the area.

One chap decided to buy one at the post office.

Gordon’s grandfather advised him to get a black and white licence (such things still existed at the time), explaining: “It's much cheaper. And if you show them that, they'll happily go on their way."

When two men arrived at this chap’s door, they said they were, "terribly sorry, but we’re here about the television."

"Don't apologise, son,” replied the chap, “I've got a black and white licence right here."

He produced the prized possession with a grand flourish.

"Sorry, sir,” said one of the men. “We've not come about the licence. You've not been keeping up your payments and we're here to repossess your set."

 

Cold calling

THE weather has been woeful, unless you’re a big fan of rain, wind, sleet, snow and freezing cold temperatures.

But there is the occasional plus point to all this murk, reports reader Mark Thompson, who says: “It was so windy the other day that when I was walking to the gym I got blown into the pub.”

 

Sassy sobriquets

WORK nicknames are being discussed on Scottish social media, including the chap who was known as Toothpaste: “Because he was a tube.”

 

Biology lesson

THE grandson of Ed Durham was explaining that he’d been taught in school that dolphins are as intelligent as humans.

“Rubbish,” replied Ed. “You seldom see a dolphin winning at chess, do you?”

 

Woeful work

A TALE of a cruddy career.

“The worst job I ever had was putting drinks in order of fizziness,” says reader Rose Browning. “It was soda grading.”