Magic parents
ONE Saturday evening Richard Halt and his wife went out to dinner with friends, and the discussion came round to the career successes achieved by each member of the group.
One bloke, who is a very rich lawyer, humbly refused to take any of the credit for his many triumphs, and said: “It’s all thanks to my mum and dad. They really made a lot of sacrifices to get me into uni.”
Another member of the group, who admittedly had drank rather too much red wine, said: “Made a lot of sacrifices, eh? What were they… druids?”
The bum deal
IN the pub at the weekend, reader Tony Wainwright overheard a bloke arguing with his exceedingly titchy pal.
At one point the taller chap snapped at his wee chum: “The problem wi’ you is yer heed’s to close to yer bum. And yer bum’s given yer heed advice what tae say.”
(P.S. The word used wasn’t actually bum. But you guessed that, right?)
Think bubbles
HISTORY teacher Justin Beasley was explaining to a class that, traditionally, an urban area required a cathedral in order to be classified as a city.
A teenage girl chewing gum at the back of the room snorted, then said: “Nowadays you know you’re in a city if there’s five bubble tea shops in a 10-mile radius.”
Says Justin: “I was going to give her a row for talking nonsense, then realised she was probably right. Plus I was astonished she knew the word radius.”
Present perfect
A CHRISTMAS prayer.
Reader Cheryl Ross has an admission to make: “Forget receiving a pair of skinny jeans from Santa. I’d rather have skinny genes.”
Biting remark
AT the age of 86, reader Bob Wheatley admits that he no longer has any of his own gnashers, though he’s wary about being fitted for a pair of false teeth.
As he explained to the Diary: “I’m not a fan of dentures, so I’m sticking to my gums.”
Kitchen krack-up
RUMMAGING in the kitchen, reader Carla Lockhart eventually discovered what she was searching for… a can opener.
Unfortunately the apparatus immediately snapped when she attempted to open a tin of tuna with it.
Her husband, who was also in the kitchen, exhibited the required amount of sympathy.
From behind his Herald he glanced up, then mumbled: “Guess it’s a can’t opener now.”
Wheely knackered
TRANSPORT news from reader Roy Graham, who explains to us: “A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s too tyred.”
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