Clocking off
SHAME-FACED John Innes from Bearsden admits he’s a bit of a hoarder. His house contains more broken bric-a-brac than the Old Curiosity Shop.
The other afternoon his granddaughter visited. She was proudly explaining that at primary school she was learning the old-fashioned way of telling the time, which some of our less young and thrusting readers may recall.
In other words, she was getting to grips with tick-tock machines. (Though not the type that Wile E. Coyote uses to try and blow up Roadrunner.)
John was delighted that his granddaughter was embracing the ancient ways of the tribe, and he guided her towards a decrepit grandfather clock he keeps in the hall.
The poor old ornament is literally falling apart, though it still works. Sort of.
John asked his granddaughter to tell the time, using this antique as a reference.
“It’s 10 past where the bit’s come off, grandpa,” she said.
Dodgy digit
GLASGOW can be a feisty, fighty sort of city, which is why many of its denizens refuse to leave their homes, cowering behind the sofa and hoping that evolution will eventually work its magic on the more belligerent bams, turning them into chartered accountants or flower shop managers.
Brave Diary correspondent Neil Sanderson isn’t cowed by his home town, and found himself drinking in a particular rough East End pub.
As he was vacating the premises, a nearby drunk offered an effervescent thumbs-up to the bouncer on the door.
The bouncer, not nearly so effervescent, grabbed him by the collar and started shaking him, until a colleague said: “Haw, Alan, calm it doon. It wiz only a thumb.”
“Aye, well,” said the first bounder, “mibbe that thumb wiz loaded.”
SCOTLAND’S welcome win against Poland is working magic in the home of Glasgow comedian Ray Bradshaw, who says: “Came downstairs this morning to find my five-year-old watching the Scotland highlights all by himself. The brainwashing has worked.”
Season's eatings
FAMILY man Frank Williams says: “My kids want a puppy for Christmas. Normally I do a turkey, but if it’ll make them happy...”
Jobbing politician
IT’S been suggested that Chancellor of the Exchequer Rachel Reeves has been, ahem, creative with her CV.
Outraged Roger Cameron says: “I wouldn’t have put up with that sort of thing when I was the last Tsar of Russia.”
Fighting talk
A RELIGIOUS discussion in the Diary inspires Norma Simpson to admit: “I can’t turn water into wine, but I can turn any conversation into an argument.”
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