Striking similarity
AN inspiring tale of youthful ambition.
Reader Robert Phillips was watching the TV news with his family when it was reported that Gary Lineker had announced the end of his prestigious role as the bloke reading the autocue on Match of the Day.
“I wonder if they’ll let me replace him,” mused Robert’s teenage daughter.
“But you don’t know anything about football,” countered our flabbergasted reader.
“True,” conceded his daughter, “but I’m brill at ranting on social media about stuff I’ve no idea about, just like Gary.”
Nugget nibbler
DO ice-cream vans still exist, wonders the Diary.
Our minions are always eagerly craning their necks out the office window when they hear the cheesy tinkling of nearby music, hoping it’s an approaching sweetie truck.
Inevitably the tinkling turns out to be a toy piano being played in the street by Junior, the Diary’s 97-year-old trainee copyboy, who gets a supplementary income from busking.
(The poor chap struggles to make ends meet, for his salary hasn’t risen past five groats a month since joining the team in 1943.) But back to ice-cream vans… Reader Mark Burns once queued for a snack from his local van, and recalls the driver saying to a little lad, about 13-years-old: “Is that you wanting a double-nugget again, Tommy?”
“You know how it is,” shrugged the wee fella. “The auld addictions. Hard to break.”
Casing the joint
CONFUSED reader Chris Wilson asks: “Why is there always a shop selling luggage at the airport? Who goes on holiday, carrying armfuls of clothes, saying I'll pack when we get there?”
GENEROUS reader Sarah Stevenson says: “This Christmas, instead of gifts, I’m giving everyone my opinion. I’m sure they’ll be ever so grateful.”
Dissing Donald
THE boozer is the perfect arena for discussing political controversies.
And there’s nothing quite so controversial as Donald Trump, who has sparked off many heated arguments.
Debaters can’t even decide whether America’s President-elect is genuinely orange, or perhaps a more fetching tint such as peach sorbet.
Reader Justin McAllister was visiting his local hostelry with pals, and the topic inevitably gravitated Trumpwards.
One chum gritted his teeth, then somehow managed to hiss through them: “Trump! I can’t abide the man.”
Another pal was more magnanimous. “Och, he’s over in America,” he said. “I only do local hate. It’s more patriotic to despise your resident eejits.”
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Fighting talk
SCRAPPY chappie Dan MacLeod gets in touch to point out: “Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.”
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