Skye’s the limit

THE other afternoon Sandra Jones from Cumbernauld was enjoying coffee with friends.

One of the group was complaining about her husband’s snoring, before revealing that she had moved the noisy chap into the spare bedroom so that she could enjoy a peaceful night’s sleep.

“I’d also like separate bedrooms for me and my husband,” admitted another of the ladies, who added: “I’ll take the main bedroom, his can be on the Isle of Skye.”

 

Falling down

SEASONAL musings from Richard Cruickshank of Penicuik.

“An American friend told me he had plans for the Fall,” says Richard.  “At first I didn’t realise he was talking about Autumn, and assumed he was mulling over the Trump Presidency and imminent collapse of civilisation.”

 

Democratic delusion

MORE thoughts on the Presidential election.

History teacher Tony Conrad was attempting to explain to his pupils how the American system of governance works.

One confused scholar thrust a hand in the air, then said: “Sir, you said it was a democratic election. So how come the Democrats didn’t win?”

 

Shop strop

WE recently reported that retailing giant Tesco has been accused of dividing an island community after deciding to open the local supermarket on Sundays.

The Isle of Lewis has a long tradition of observing the Sabbath, and more than 1,800 people have signed an online petition against the supermarket's decision.

Local man John Mulholland overheard one ardent shopper, who is clearly in favour of Sunday openings, say: “I mean, whatever happened to ‘give us this day our daily bread’? Oh, and wine too…” 

 

Bookish badinage

THE literature-loving Diary is devising prequels to famous books.

Gordon Fisher from Stewarton informs us he’s heard rumours that Glasgow scribe James Kelman is hard at work writing a prequel to his 1994 Booker prize-winning novel.

“Its working title,” says Gordon, “is ‘How Early It Was, How Early’.”

 

Hole in one

SPORTING news.

Peter Wright from West Kilbride admits that he “wouldn't know which way up to hold a golf bat”.

However, he has been enticed to join the local golf club because of their attractive new subscription promotion: ‘The funeral purvey membership.’

“A great deal,” enthuses Peter, “and I get sausage rolls twice a week.”

 

Filthy attitude

A TALE of creepy-crawlies and a crafty plot.

Kay Hutton from Mount Florida gets in touch to tell us: “My husband thought that he spotted a cockroach in the kitchen, so he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.”