I stayed too long in an abusive relationship. Here's why

I would never judge someone else for staying in an abusive situation, I would never consider them weak, or incapable, so as difficult as it is I must extend this empathy and understanding inwards and not use it to continue the cycle of abuse upon myself.

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I always said that if my partner ever hurt me physically I would immediately leave. At that point in my life I had been surrounded, in my family and my friends, by couples who treated each other with nothing but love and respect, and I genuinely couldn’t understand why someone would stay in a relationship with a person who could willingly cause them harm.

Then it happened.

People who perpetrate physical abuse don’t often start that kind of behaviour immediately, it presents as a slow, gradual erosion of boundaries and when it finally does escalate to assault, there is often a great deal of emotional investment. By the time I started experiencing physical abuse, I was already incredibly involved in the relationship, I considered myself to be in love, and my self esteem had been eroded to the point I believed that I was bringing anything negative upon myself.

Once you’re in that kind of situation, after it has happened the first time, it becomes so normalised that you forget just how abnormal and unacceptable it felt at the start. Then, it’s just a regular occurrence, that’s just how life is for you and you learn how to live with it, no matter how stressful, scary and strange it becomes.

There are so many reasons why someone might not feel ready to leave an abusive relationship, but these might not be apparent without personal experience. For many people, the behaviour they experience has been normalised to such an extent that they may not even realise that they're being abused.

Coercive control and emotional abuse are insidious (Image: Logan Bannatyne) Coercive control and emotional abuse are insidious, and despite being no less harmful, aren’t as easily recognised, or well known, as physical violence. Abuse can appear as a generational cycle, and can become so ingrained in the familial experience that even after years of enduring the most devastating experiences, people may not identify themselves, or members of their family, as having been abused.

It can be an incredibly difficult thing to come to terms with, and one of the best ways to counteract this is through a greater and more diverse representation of just what abuse can entail. People assume that abusive relationships are always bad, always violent, all the time. Abuse exists in extremes, and it can be incredibly difficult not to become strongly attached to any semblance of stability in the midst of such uncertainty.

Yes, an abuser might be the one holding your head under water, but they may present themselves as the person that saves you from drowning. The emotions you feel while undergoing abuse are myriad, a deeply nuanced tangle of reactions to treatment nobody should have to endure. Leaving might feel inconceivable, that’s not to mention factors which can further complicate the situation, such as child custody, or joint finances.

Despite changes to legislation and campaigns of awareness, the stigma associated with abuse endures, leading people to avoid sharing their experiences out of fear they will be judged, treated differently or that it will impact the other relationships in their lives. There is often a real and recurring physical threat, which can be exacerbated by escaping the relationship.

It is widely accepted that leaving an abusive relationship is the most violent, and sadly, often the most fatal period. It is estimated by the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness that 77% of murders related to domestic abuse occur after someone leaves or tries to leave the relationship. Despite how painful and difficult, for many people experiencing abuse, remaining in the relationship is perceived to be the lesser of two evils. We need to ensure that we invest in resources that can keep survivors safe and supported when they leave an abusive situation, to mitigate the clear and present danger precluding many people from escaping.

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We are asking people to jump from the dizzying confusion of abuse into a future of uncertainty. The very least we can do as a society is to ensure there is a safety net to help make the jump feel more attainable, and the landing less damaging.

When you leave an abusive situation, your life doesn't often simply revert back to the way it was prior to entering the relationship, there is a void, a wound, and it takes time for the edges of a fractured life to knit back together. It is not necessarily strength that allows people to leave abuse, and it is most certainly not weakness that makes them stay.

It is often support, or a lack thereof that determines someone's ability to escape, to stay away, and to heal. If survivors should forgive themselves for anything, it’s that they often blame themselves, take responsibility for things far outwith their control, and do not give themselves credit for how strong they truly are.

Lennie Pennie is a poet and Herald columnist. She is a Scots language and mental-health advocate. Her collection of her poetry Poyums is published by Canongate Books