Driven to distraction

POSSIBLY the two most diabolical words in the English language are "rush" and "hour", because when combined they denote that miserable time when traffic is at its snarliest.

Edinburgh reader Barry Hammond found himself trapped in a taxi during just such a period of the day, and the roads were like the knotted shoelaces of a young schoolboy who is still learning to dress himself.

Consequently the taxi managed to move one centimetre, every 20 minutes or so.

Since he didn’t have to do much in the way of driving, the bloke behind the wheel was in a convivial mood, and at one point said: “D’you know what we taxi drivers call this sort of jam?”

Barry conceded that he didn’t.

“Car-mageddon,” said the driver.

“Yup,” nodded Barry as the taxi whizzed forward another centimetre. “It certainly is.”

 

Money matters

HALLOWEEN was yesterday evening, but the most chilling moment of horror in the week arose when Rachel Reeves opened that little, blood-red briefcase of hers, then cackled: “Mwa-ha-ha-ha... You’re all doomed! Doomed, I said!”

Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration of her Parliamentary performance. Even so, many timid folk are still gibbering and shaking.

Meanwhile, reader Nicola Douglas was explaining to her primary 6 class what a Budget is.

“Isn’t it a wee yellow bird, miss?” inquired one eager scholar.

(“If only,” sighed Nicola to herself.)

David Donaldson spotted this bottle for sale in Cuku, on Great Western Road. Says David: “When you've had one of these days when everything that could possibly go wrong just did, then you really need a large glass of Cluster Flock to calm your nerves.”David Donaldson spotted this bottle for sale in Cuku, on Great Western Road. Says David: “When you've had one of these days when everything that could possibly go wrong just did, then you really need a large glass of Cluster Flock to calm your nerves.” (Image: Contributed)

Anger management

A BEDTIME story from reader Jenny Gilbert: “Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep in.”

 

Tricky situation?

AS we mentioned, Halloween is over for another year, though reader Matt Burke is still feeling bitter.

“As the years go by,” he harrumphs, “I’ve noticed a change in kids’ attitude towards trick-or-treating.

“Now it’s all treat, zero trick.”

 

Height of fashion

OVERHEARD in a bar in Glasgow’s southside by reader Karen White.

A wine-tippling gal was gossiping with a pal about a mutual acquaintance, and said: “She’s so vain that she’d only go out on a rainy day if she could find a pair of high-heel wellies.”

 

Grate cheese robbery

CELEBRITY chef Jamie Oliver recently warned people to look out for a lorryload of posh cheese that’s been stolen.

Stevie Campbell from Hamilton heard that the police asked Jamie two questions concerning the theft:

1) what type cheese was it? 2) Was the loss down to misfortune?

His response to both queries?

“Hard Cheddar.”

 

Caucuses calm crew

“THERE’S an organisation for Russian stoics,” reader Frank Edwards tells us. “It's called The So Be It Union.”