Here's how to turn a lion into a big pussycat

Brian Miller was visiting a bar in that neck of the woods, and overheard two young boulevardiers chatting.

One of the chaps, who sported a natty and oh-so-ironic moustache, said to his chum: “You see, I’m a philosopher, and I can’t help getting meta sometimes.”

His pal, who was perhaps not quite as sophisticated as his comrade, replied while hardly glancing up from his beer: “Aye, sure. Meta away. Knock yersel out.”

King and I

THE undisputed sovereign of the animal kingdom is the mighty lion, who always looks unbearably smug when you see David Attenborough documentaries about him swaggering around the African veldt, on the lookout for fast food. (Such as antelope, which, unfortunately, isn’t usually fast enough to scarper.)

Tom Johnston recalls visiting a zoo with friends, and they came upon the lion enclosure.

“Looks ferocious, doesn’t he?” said a lady in the group.

“Imagine him in bedroom slippers,” replied her husband. “Not so ferocious now, eh?”

Sounds suspicious

A MUSICAL interlude.

Roberta Heenan was  strolling along Sauchiehall Steet when she noticed a chap playing the accordion.

He was standing next to a loudspeaker blaring out background music, which he accompanied in a remarkably professional manner.

Roberta was impressed, and was rummaging in her purse for spare change to give the talented fellow when he stopped for a break.

Meanwhile, the accordion music played on, without his help.

“One could deduce he was a con artist miming to his loudspeaker,” admits Roberta, though she’s not so cynical, and concludes: “He was clearly more talented than I first assumed.

“He must be the first accordion player to have discovered how to play without the use of his fingers.

Glesga’s Got Talent, indeed.”

Stephen Davidson says: “I don’t know what’s most frightening. The blood-shot eyes on this meaty monstrosity, or the fact that some butcher thought this would look appetising.” (Image: Contributed)

Classy fella

TOP tunes, continued.

Barbara Pierce was in her living room when she heard the strains of classical music wafting forth from the bedroom where her husband happened to be.

She went to tell him that she was impressed that he had graduated from the rock music he usually listens to, and discovered him on his mobile.

“I’m phoning for a doctor’s appointment,” he grumbled, “and this call-waiting tune is driving me nuts.”

Flipping hell

WORKING in education can be dispiriting.

English teacher Bob Holland recalls a disenchanted colleague saying: “All my students will end up flipping burgers, not pages in books.”

Cheesy gag

WE conclude today’s entertainment with a puzzle.

“Which cheese is made backwards?” asks Adam Webster.

The answer is, of course… Edam.