Cruise control
THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of American crooner Jack Jones, who sang the theme tune to the popular 1970s TV show The Love Boat.
The romantic series was about holidaymakers falling in love on a cruise ship, and each episode was strikingly similar to the life enjoyed by Diary employees.
Apart from the negligible facts that our staff don’t work on a boat, and none of us love each other.
We don’t even like each other, to be honest.
The only reason we sharpen the pencils on our desks is to use them as deadly missiles for the elimination of colleagues.
However, the Diary Editor does admit The Love Boat inspired him to make the office run like a seaworthy ship… a slave galleon.
In truth, we don’t mind working so hard, because it means we get to publish the wonderful stories our readers send, such as the following classic tales from the archives…
Liar, liar
MORE boat shenanigans.
A couple arrived at a Tobermory hotel and got chatting to the woman at the next table, and her little girl.
Eventually one of them asked the wee one how old she was, to which she replied: “Six. But if I am on the ferry or train I am only four.”
The name game
AN Aberdeen woman had just given birth, and the nurse, cradling the baby in her arms, asked what she intended to call it.
“Nathan,” replied the panting mother, prompting the nurse to squawk: “Bit you’ve got tae call it something…”
Puff off
A SMOKER told us he joined the other would-be passengers huddling from the rain under a bus shelter in Glasgow’s Renfrew Street, and lit up a cigarette.
As the smoke drifted across the others, one chap told him: “This is a no-smoking bus shelter.”
He actually stubbed out his fag before realising there’s no such thing.
Chick chat
YOU can take the boy out of the council house, but you can’t take the council house…
An Ayrshire lady told us of a friend who was preparing food for a barbecue.
Her husband offered to undertake the marinating or, as he actually put it, he’d “away and steep the chicken” for her.
Bus-t up
WE were told by a Glasgow bus driver - so it must be true - that he was flagged down outside the Royal Infirmary by a young man in a smart suit drinking a bottle of Budweiser and carrying a rifle in his other hand.
The bemused driver put down his window and told him: “You can’t bring that in here.”
The young man-at-arms answered: “I know. I’ll finish it before I get in,” and promptly drained the bottle of Bud.
Delighted dumb-dumbs
A PSYCHOLOGICALLY-INCLINED reader once explained: “If ignorance is bliss there should be a lot more happy people.”
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