Is this the most offensive fictional Scottish character ever?

Alas, in a surprise development, he is just that, hailing from Clydebank indeed. Sometimes, he even wears a Glengarry cap (very impractical in Scotland; as a piper once told me, they collect rainwater). But bear in mind that he’s fictional. Artistic licence and all that.

Fat Bastard is the creation of Mike Myers, a Canadian who also plays him with a Scottish accent in two of his Austin Powers films about a 1960s-style British spy. For the avoidance of doubt, these are comedies. Fantastically funny ones too.

Myers based the accent on the way some of his relations spoke. He used a similar one for his other Caledonian character, Shrek (a previous Icon in this intellectually ambitious series).

Mike Myers is a Canadian (Image: free)Time magazine put it among the “Top 10 Worst Fake British Accents”, saying of Myers: “Sadly for him and us, his odious Fat Bastard character from his Austin Powers franchise seems to employ Liverpudlian and a slight Canadian lilt along with the supposedly Scottish twang that he’s meant to be portraying.”

However, particularly bearing in mind that there are dozens of different Scottish accents in Scotland, and noting Scottish sensitivity about the subject, I think it’s pretty spot-on (with lapses).

No one small (there’s also a dwarf character), fat or Scottish comes out well in these movies. It’s been said the character displays negative stereotypes associated with fat people, but I don’t think such overwhelmingly fine folk are often seen as cannibalistic, vulgar or necessarily flatulent, at least compared to the present writer.

Nevertheless, in this Age of Disapproval, let us first consider sensitivity and taste in language. One film critic referred to this week’s Icon subject as “We can't even say his name!”, while others called him “Obese Illegitimate Child”. Initially, your correspondent resorted to asterisks, but Herald stores informed me they didn’t have enough.

So, despite quoting the full name in other media sites that have no shame, we shall henceforth refer to the character as FB, leaving you to say the words in your wicked brain.

FB appears as a morbidly obese (one tonne) henchman serving Dr Evil (also played by Myers) in the second and third Austin Powers (also played by Myers) films, The Spy Who Shag*ed Me (1999) and Goldmember (2002).

In The Spy Who Etc, we learn that FB considers himself “dead sexy”, while admitting: “I’ve not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally deid.” Plot: it is 1969 and Dr Evil has planted FB inside the MoD, where he deploys a special set of bagpipes to spray a gas that knocks out the other guards.

Read more

• The Alexander Brothers had detractors, but brought pleasure to many
• Socialist old Etonian Tam Dalyell’s peacocks pecked my kecks

He then takes out a drill and bores into Austin’s cryopod, injecting a large syringe into the spy’s unmentionables, extracting his mojo and leaving him impotent. With me so far?

Back at Dr Evil’s secret volcano lair, he offers to forgo his fee in exchange for being allowed to eat Dr Evil’s smaller clone Mini-Me, as he reminds him of a baby – his favourite food (“the other, other white meat”). As he explains to Mini-Me: “I’m bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in ma belly!”

I won’t tell you how the film ends, other than to explain that a tracking device placed up FB’s rectum leads the good guys to Dr Evil’s lair.

In the next film, Goldmember, FB retires from being a henchman and, in an attempt at a more normal lifestyle, becomes a sumo wrestler in Japan. His tartan mawashi is disgusting beyond words. And he still does occasional jobs for Dr Evil on the side.

This film features a cod-poignant moment when Austin, having trapped his adversary in the bathroom, shouts at him: “You really are a Fat Bastard!” In a rare moment of self-pity, FB replies “You know that hurts my feelings. I've tried going on a diet, you know.”

Indeed, by the end of the film, he has lost much of his weight, attributing this to “the Subway diet”. Unfortunately, he has to acknowledge that he still has a lot of excess skin, telling Austin that “unfortunately my neck still looks like …” And I think we’ll leave that there.

So, where does that leave FB? In the DVD commentary for Goldmember, Myers says the character would not remain “Thin B” but would probably have put his weight back on for the next film. Twenty-two years on, Austin Powers 4 remains “in production”.

Shrek makes use of a weird 'Scottish' accent (Image: free) It’s fair to say the portly-plus character remains controversial. Under the heading “Kill off Fat Bastard”, American website Today said: “The problem with this plan [bringing him back] isn’t just that Fat Bastard is a repellent character and a lazy dumping ground for obesity gross-out humour, it’s that Myers’s baffling insistence on speaking in a gurgling, no longer funny Scottish accent is now way too connected to Shrek.”

Meanwhile, earlier this year, an article on the World of Reel website asked: “[B]ut how well has Fat Bastard aged in the current culture of body positivity?” Answer: “Terribly.”

No doubt. But, ignoring the weighty matter of, well, weight, others point to the long and noble tradition of flatulence and grossness in sophisticated western humour. Indeed, a real-life 18th century Frenchman called Tarrare is sometimes cited as an inspiration for FB. A sometime showman, soldier, and spy, he could eat his own weight in a day and, like FB, suffered from bodily odour and flatulence. He was also accused of eating a baby (as part of his act at one point he ate live animals). But there the resemblance ends because, due to his metabolism, he actually remained thin.

So much for reality. In Filmland, Mike Myers has a choice if he is to deploy FB in his next Austin Powers movie. He could double-down and, depending on whether Canadians use American or British signage, flick one or two fingers at the PC brigade.

Or he could make FB the Good Guy, who has reformed his previous gross ways, these having been implanted in his brain by Dr Evil. Henceforth, he can throw his weight around in pursuit of a fair and equitable world for all. Alas, I could see that bombing at the box office.

Robert McNeil is a highly successful freelance journalist. Also fence repairs, grass cutting, window cleaning, marital guidance, palm reading.