Name’s a no-no

MAJOR news from the Isle of Lewis, where Tesco has confirmed it will begin opening on Sundays, despite some local objection.

This breaks with a long tradition of observing the Sabbath, with Sunday, of course, being the traditional day of rest.

The Moderator of the General Assembly of the Free Church of Scotland previously urged the supermarket to reconsider.

However, the Tesco store director in the Highland and Islands said the company had received positive feedback to the plans.  

“A tad ironically,” says Diary correspondent John Mulholland, “the director’s name is… Christian Davies.” 

 

Dazzled by dairy

THE teenage daughter of Fiona Weir from Giffnock doesn’t know much about fancy continental food, though she’s starting to learn, having recently discovered a French cheese lurking in the family fridge.

“Is there really a cheese called brie?” she asked Fiona, in tones of awe and wonder.

Fiona admitted this was, indeed, the case.

“Wow,” gasped the teen. “Does this mean there’s a Hollywood star called Cheese Larson?”

 

Hard to relate

THE Diary doesn’t often delve into the darker side of life, though we recently reported on a couple having a tiff in the Newton Mearns Marks & Spencer.

Relationship expert James Ingles warns: “Remember, folks. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.”

Chris Robertson tells us he’s never had a weight problem, though he concedes that he’ll have to go on a serious diet if he wants to fit through this door…Chris Robertson tells us he’s never had a weight problem, though he concedes that he’ll have to go on a serious diet if he wants to fit through this door… (Image: Contributed)

Paper cut

MORE marital disharmony.

Open-minded Victoria Bowden is always eager to try out new and exciting pastimes, so she joined an origami club.

Unfortunately it was never well attended and eventually had to close.

Victoria’s husband showed a great deal of sympathy when she informed him of the situation.

“So,” he smirked, “your origami club folded, did it?”

(Victoria was not amused and certainly didn’t crease-up with laughter.)

 

Bottling it

THOUGHT for the day from reader Kevin Tucker: “Everyone knows what soups and sauces are, but no one knows the exact point where soup becomes sauce.”

(The Diary concedes that this is true. Though try sitting down in a swanky Michelin star restaurant and ordering a refreshing bowl of Daddies sauce. You’ll quickly be made aware of the difference, as the waiter drags you by the scruff of the neck towards the back door…)

 

The cruellest cut

TRAGIC news on Scottish social media, where one poor chap writes: “There is no greater heartache in life than buying a plain loaf, only to find the outsider cut thin. I’m inconsolable.”

 

Talking balls

DISAPPOINTED Paul Webb says: “I only recently discovered that a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out.”