Shaping up

NOT everyone can be as hip and trendy as the Diary.

When she was a girl, reader Mandy Porter’s mother made her wear pigtails.

The poor youth was also encumbered with a pair of hideous National Health specs, all wire and bottle-thick glass.

Telling a chum about her dispiriting younger years, Mandy said: “I guess you could say that I was a bit of a square, back then.”

“What a shame,” commiserated the chum, in a rather condescending tone of voice, before adding cockily: “Personally, I was more of an oblong.”

 

Performance anxiety

THE cousin of reader Sue Rothwell is a singer and dancer who has appeared in the chorus line of many musicals on the West End stage.

She was once at a party, explaining to a stranger what she did for a living.

The chap she was talking to seemed intrigued, and said: “It must be strange that people are always watching you while you work.”

The fellow added: “I’m an accountant, for instance. And I’d feel very awkward if there was a crowd of people staring while I filled in a spreadsheet.”

 

Married alive

OVERHEARD in his local boozer by Falkirk reader Dave Moore: an old fella was complaining to a pal about his other half.

Explaining that he had been married over 50 years, he added: “Y’see, I married Miss Right. I just didnae ken her first name wis Always.”

 

Hard to swallow

MYCOLOGY is the study of fungi, including mushrooms.

And reader Adam Henwood is the sort of fun guy who knows a lot about mushrooms. Even better, he’s willing to share his valuable knowledge with the Diary.

Says Adam: “It’s a common misconception that some mushrooms are inedible. Actually, all mushrooms are edible. Though some of them only once.”

 

A rat’s tale

THE following yarn will give some readers the ick, so if you don’t want a shudder down your spine look away… now.

Oi! You’re still peeking.

Anyway, it’s been reported that an abandoned Glasgow storage container became home for an army of rats. (This wasn’t a genuine army, as they weren’t wearing khaki or carrying rifles. But there was still a considerable number of them.)

The container of rats has now been removed and reader David Donaldson wonders where it will be relocated.

“The Scottish Parliament at Holyrood seems appropriate,” he says.

 

Dead talented

FILM buff Robert Campbell gets in touch to point out: “Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz is surely cinema’s most notorious contract killer.”