THE Labour Party is sending 100 of its members to the States to advise the Democrats on how to win an election.

Presumably it’s their best men and women, so we can safely conclude that Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner will be staying put in Blighty.

If Labour can afford to loan out talent, does this mean they’ve managed to solve all the problems this side of the pond?

Useful to know, next time you find yourself number 139 in a telephone queue, waiting to talk to a call centre operative in Mumbai about your chances of seeing a GP some time this decade.

So what advice will Labour give the Democrats?

For starters, they’ll probably explain how to work closely with Taylor Swift, and give her anything she wants, short of the Crown Jewels and a backdoor key to Number 10.

They might also suggest copying Keir Starmer’s legendary fashion sense, by splodging a hefty wodge of Brylcreem on the scalp, first thing in the morning.  (Though this might not be the best look for Kamala Harris.)

The Diary, alas, has not been asked to help either the Democrats or the Republican Party.

Just as well, really.

We’ve got far too much work to do in Scotland, collecting all our wonderful stories, including the following classic yarns from our archives…

 

Fighting talk

IN a Glasgow school a teacher was taking a pupil to task for defacing his jotter cover with sectarian slogans.

The teacher was, however, amused at the pupil’s spelling of an oft-mentioned battle.

The child had written: “1690. Remember the Boing.”

 

Fighting talk 2

A GRITTY tale from the days before mobile phones.

We recall the Govan pub where a customer was informed that he had been rusticated, or barred as it’s more commonly known.

The man had been distressed to discover his wife was having an affair, and so he had tracked the other bloke to the local boozer, where he was making a phone call.

Our man proceeded to attack his rival in love with a machete. The victim suffered severe wounds to his arm.

The attacker was barred, as the publican said in the indictment, for "putting the phone out of order".

 

Beginner’s maths

A WISE reader told us: “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

 

Modern romance

AN Irish chap visiting Glasgow told us about his encounter in a city centre nightclub.

Approaching a fair maiden with a winning smile and the line: “Would you like to dance?” he was met with the classy rejoinder: “Take ma sister. Ah’m sweatin’.”

 

Love, actually

A ROMANTIC reader once got in touch with the Diary to ask us for advice.

“What’s the best number of roses to give my wife for her birthday?” enquired this chap.

“Six, twelve, twenty-four… or should I give her the whole tin?”