A banging cuppa

THE Diary does not condone violence in any of its manifestations.

(Unless it’s slapstick, executed by a chap with a cane, baggy trousers and a bowler hat, perhaps.)

However, we’re willing to repeat the following tale, as it’s clearly only a poor, downtrodden member of the much maligned British workforce venting steam, and not a genuine threat.

Anyway, on with the story…

Reader Chris Adams was in a café in Glasgow’s West End, and a customer was being rude to the unhappy young lady trying to serve him.

Eventually the rude customer demanded a one-shot latte, before flouncing off to the toilet.

While he was gone, the waitress could be overheard whispering to a colleague: “One shot latte? It’s one shot tae the heed, he needs.”

BoJo’s a no-no

IN Waterstones on Sauchiehall Street Diary correspondent Jill Graham spotted a chap and his wife studying a display of the recently published Boris Johnson autobiography, Unleashed, which is retailing at a hefty thirty quid a book.

Next to the display was a sign stating: ‘£5 off.’

The chap snorted, then, with an ironic twist of an eyebrow, said to his wife: “So now Waterstones will only pay you £25 to take it off their hands.”

Jaws of despair

MORE coffee shop shenanigans, of a friendlier sort.

Jack Deane was in a queue for his daily java when the barista asked the chap in front: “Would you like to try our new coffee blend?”

The customer gave a shudder, then replied: “No thanks. That would be too much of a radical change in my life. I still can’t get rid of a tingle in my poor gums, after changing my toothpaste brand fifteen years ago.”

Sweet surrender

PROUD Diary reader Lisa Barr tells us: “I started my healthy eating regime yesterday… by blowing the sugar off my morning donut.”

Dirty digits

IN a boozer in Glasgow’s southside reader Martin Brown overheard an eager chap attempting to impress the comely lass he was sitting with, during the early stages of what was clearly a first date.

Chest inflated with pride, the beau boasted that he played guitar on the local folk circuit.

“I’m into fingerpicking stye,” he continued, knowledgeably.

Slightly less knowledgeably, the comely lass screwed up her face in a confused sort of way, then said: “Fingerpicking… Is that not something you do with your nose, not a guitar?”

Battery not included

“I’M not lazy,” claims Craig Banks from Newton Mearns. “I’m just in energy saving mode.”