Herald Diary: Maybe now we know what Shakespeare liked to drink

A nurse says to a patient who isn’t peeing enough: “Get on with it, or we’ll use the C-word.”

The appalled elderly patient says: “What?”

“Catheter,” says the nurse.

Getting the point

AN American rock band called The Darts performed in Bar-L prison yesterday, and reader Charles Bradbury was concerned about the outcome.

“Surely darts, and all other sharp implements, aren’t allowed in the pokey,” he says.

“Otherwise you end up with a poke-y in the eye.” 

Step too far

IT’S a tradition for reader Scott Woods and his 84-year-old mother to visit the same Chinese restaurant in Glasgow, every Friday afternoon.

Unfortunately it’s on the second floor of a city centre building, and can only be reached by way of a steep and rickety staircase.

Scott has been increasingly concerned that these steps are almost beyond the capabilities of his rather frail parent, so he suggested they find an alternative dining establishment on a ground floor. 

His mother was outraged at such a treasonous thought.

“But the food’s nice here,” she harrumphed. “I’m willing to risk my neck for a decent noodle soup.”

Heights of passion

MULLING over the rival approaches to measurement, reader Marvin Johnson has come to a conclusion regarding which he prefers.

“I’m against the metric system,” he reveals. “If it takes over completely, how would anyone be able to join the Mile High Club?”

Stuart Neville from Clydebank says this is the perfect number plate for forgetful drivers who can’t remember what make of car they drive… (Image: Contributed)

Leapy sheepy

WE mentioned the true story of a bold sheep that managed to reach the cloudy pinnacle of a pub roof, though unfortunately the Diary has not been able to ascertain how it found itself there.

It was surmised that it might have jumped up, though we have to concede this is a tad unlikely.

However, reader Ian Cameron backs our theory, and says: “I’m sure it’s possible for a sheep to leap an extraordinary height, especially if it’s a spring lamb.”

Schlurping Shakespeare

HAVING discovered a new Glasgow watering hole where the cocktail menu is inspired by authors with a strong connection to alcohol, we are now imagining what drinks will be on offer.

Ian Barnett suggests a beer-infused tipple called the Macbeth Cocktail, inspired by those famous words of the Bard: “Is this a lager which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?”

Child’s play

MUSIC-LOV ING reader Jackie Robertson says: “Baby You Can Drive My Car is my favourite song about irresponsible parenting.”