Cup kerfuffle
A FRIEND of author Deedee Cuddihy overheard a feisty exchange at the carry-out counter of one of the West End's numerous coffee and cake shops.
A young woman said to the member of staff who had taken her order: "Excuse me. But did I offend you in some way?"
Replied the staff member: "Sorry? I don't understand what you mean."
The young woman pointed to the carry-out hot drinks container she'd been handed. It had the initials COW clearly marked on it.
She then demanded to know: "Why have you written COW on my cup?"
The staff member, laughing now, replied: "Oh… no! That's not referring to you! It means you wanted cow's milk in your latte rather than one of the non-dairy options."
What’s up, Duck?
Medical science… the feathery facts.
A Diary correspondent recently reported spotting a chap on Sauchiehall Street wearing a T-Shirt that read "Distracted by ducks".
Our correspondent wondered if this ailment could be treated on the NHS.
Reader David Donaldson clarifies: “The solution lies not with the NHS but with quack medicine.”
Wedded woes
SOCIABLE Angela Duffy was enjoying a night out with gal pals.
The evening took a grim turn when one lady admitted she was contemplating divorce, after being married for three years.
One of the other friends offered exemplary advice.
“Oh, doll,” said she, “stay married at least five years.”
“Why?” inquired the intrigued first woman.
“Well,” continued the expert (who already had several marriages under her belt), “it takes five years to discover all the nasty details about your husband, so your lawyer can get a juicy load of dosh.”
In the drink
PHILOSOPHICAL thinking from reader Ken Wallace: “Stop wondering if your glass is half-full or half-empty. Truth is, you’ve got the wrong glass size.”
Hot air
DARTS player James Wade has strenuously denied breaking wind during a match.
The Diary, having studied footage of the incident, agrees with James.
Admittedly, a noise like a whoopee cushion being stamped upon by an irate African elephant can be heard. But that’s probably a gusty reprobate in the crowd, for darts players are elegant gents, who invariably exhibit impeccable behaviour.
Meanwhile, reader Ian Derby demands that other athletes break wind to enhance their performance.
“High jumpers should eat baked beans before each attempt,” he said, “then they’ll be able to reach the moon.”
Big bad bruv
SCIENCE, for beginners.
Reader Bruce Johnson point out: “Albert Einstein was a wonderful fella. But his brother Frank was a monster.”
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