Sound of silence

SHOWBIZ-LOVING Ross Walsh studied accountancy at Glasgow University, but harboured a secret ambition to make people laugh, which explains why he attempted stand-up comedy at a pub offering open mic nights, where amateurs were encouraged to try out their material.

The boozer was in the East End of the city, far from the uni, meaning none of Ross’s friends would witness anything that might go wrong.

He was however hoping it would be a triumphant evening, and he’d immediately be hailed as Billy Connolly Part 2.

Unfortunately there were only five blokes in the audience, plus a collie dog.

Nobody laughed. Not once.

Ross was sipping a mournful pint after his set, and the barman, who hadn’t been concentrating on the performance, asked how it went.

“Awful,” admitted Ross.

The kindly bloke next to Ross at the bar interjected at this point: “Yer bein’ too hard on yersel, laddie,” said he. “That collie dug wiz waggin’ his tail. That’s yer first groupie.”

 

Fab fridge fails

THE Herald published an article about gadgets linked to the internet that can undertake remarkable tasks.

For instance, there’s a Smart Fridge that calls to inform you that its door has been left open.

David Donaldson notes that not everyone is impressed by this savvy new tech, for one online commentator observed: "If it's that **!@*** smart, why doesn't it just close the door itself?"

 

The green(s) party

THERE’S a precedent for comparing politicians to stuff that grows in the dirt, with Liz Truss infamously presiding over a government whose sell-by date didn’t last as long as a lettuce.

It occurs to reader Keith Sanger that it’s possible to continue the vegetable theme, for he argues that Keir Starmer has all the charisma of a cabbage.

(The Diary, however, considers this treasonous talk, and unfair to cabbages everywhere.)

 

Uplifting statement

CONFUSED Geoff Wilson says: “I wonder how the elevator got its name, since it also carries people downstairs. It could just as easily be called a descent-evator.”

Alan Lee from Falkirk says: “This is even more confusing than any of the mixed messages that come out of a Labour Party conference.”Alan Lee from Falkirk says: “This is even more confusing than any of the mixed messages that come out of a Labour Party conference.” (Image: Contributed)

 

Jaded job jabber

IN a Dundee café Lisa Barr noticed a bloke in the queue requesting cake.

Before handing it over, the sales assistant checked: “Any allergies?”

“Just to hard work,” said the customer.

After a brief pause the customer added helpfully: “Avoid it if you can.”

“Too late,” sighed the sales assistant, and proceeded to serve her next customer.

 

Bog awful behaviour

OUTRAGED Don Leith announces: “I feel very strongly about graffiti in public toilet cubicles. So I’ve signed a partition.”