Featherbrained theorising

ANOTHER day in the Diary office, another press release scuttles into our in-tray.

(We get oodles of them, though very few love letters from adoring fans, alas.)

Today’s PR missive arrives courtesy of an organisation called FeatherSnap, who run a bird-based website, and their head ornithologist reveals that listening to bird song lowers stress, especially when you listen to it on the commute to work.

The Diary (alas, again) doesn’t employ a head ornithologist. (Where would we find such a thing?) We merely have a bunch of bird-brained bozos perched on stools, filing copy.

Even without a resident expert, we’re not entirely sure that we agree with FeatherSnap’s research.

Surely if we brought a parrot in a cage onto the morning train, in order to listen to its grumpy squawking, our stress levels would increase, not decrease?

Alternatively, if we allowed an emu to accompany us on the commute to work, that would infuriate everyone on the train, instead of calming them down. 

Especially when the emu refused to purchase a ticket from the guard, and throttled him instead.

Nope, if you ask us, listening to birdy noises is strictly for the birds.

 

Fishy answer

A DIARY yarn about bright young scholars reminds David Donaldson of the teacher in a Glasgow primary school who asks the class: "Can anyone name a fish beginning with the letter C?"
Quick as a flash, wee Senga arrives at the answer: "Please Miss, Choona."

 

Just the job

WE’RE discussing the careers that ambitious youngsters hope to pursue.

Reader Jim Scott says: “My school pal, Joe, told the careers master that he wanted to be a lollipop man as the hours were great. Two hours a day, and you don’t start till you’re 65 years old.”

time, though the handwritten note is new. We wonder if he comes with his own bowl, feed and a leash… Hazel Grant from Grangemouth tells us that this sign has been in the window of a house in Upper Largo, Fife, for some time, though the handwritten note is new. We wonder if he comes with his own bowl, feed and a leash…(Image: Contributed)

Bite back

ECONOMICS for beginners.

Reader Nicola Dodds chided her teenage son for forgetting to brush his teeth, warning him that his chompers might fall out.

He merely shrugged, then said: “True. But think how much money I’ll save on toothbrushes.”

 

Perth man’s patter

TREE surgeons, continued.

When Peter Wright from West Kilbride got married a ceilidh band was hired that went under the name "Jimmy Broon Frae Perth".

On the big day the band arrived in a multi-tasking corporate van with the livery proudly declaring:

"Jimmy Broon frae Perth. Tree surgeon. Branches everywhere."

 

Cartoon capers

A GEOGRAPHICAL jape from Bob Jamieson, who asks: “What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?”

The answer is: “They don't watch the Flintstones in Dubai, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.”