Herald Diary: So will a jail review be a hard sell?

Out went the cramped single bed, replaced by a sumptuous twin bed.

Upon being informed that she was getting a twin bed, Fiona’s daughter wasn’t notably pleased.

The ungrateful little tyke merely looked confused, then said: “But I’m not even a twin.”

In the drink

ONE of reader Gordon Johnson’s closest pals recently celebrated his 60th birthday, which forced the poor chap to ponder his mortality.

Deciding to live as long as possible, he is now determined to improve his fitness, and is striving to lose weight.

So greasy goodies from the local chippy are out. Sprightly salads are most definitely in.

On Saturday evening Gordon met his pal for a catch-up at the local hostelry.

Gordon ordered a Guinness and asked the pal what he would have.

“I’ll just have a glass of water,” said the health-conscious chap.

“Water?!” snorted Gordon. “This is a boozer. Where real men come to drink.”

“Aye, right enough,” conceded the pal, who then added. “I’ll still have that water. But make it a double.”

Class act

AS regular visitors to Glasgow’s Central Station will be aware, there is a piano on the concourse which anyone is allowed to play.

Reader Colin Eccleston says: “On Sunday I was waiting for my train when a neddish looking chap in a hoody sat down to tinkle the ivories.”

Colin was impressed when the fellow started playing the 1990s kitsch pop tune Barbie Girl, though he performed it in the grand classical style, with plenty of rococo keyboard flourishes.

A little old lady, who was also enjoying the impromptu recital, turned to Colin and said: “Isn’t that a treat! Must be Mozart or Beethoven.”

Anger management

INTRIGUED reader Dave Whitley asks: “If a social worker isn’t friendly, are they an antisocial worker?”

Gordon Fisher from Stewarton was watching the Burleigh Horse Trials on telly, when a rider appeared who could only have been more appropriately named if she had been called Rosalind Gallop. (Image: Contributed)

Soft cell

IT has been reported that Police Scotland is to introduce a survey so criminals can rate their stay after an evening of being banged-up.

Diary correspondent David Donaldson says: “I guess this means if Tam the Bam is well pleased with his night in the slammer, he'll give it a 5-Bar review on Clinkadvisor.”

Hairbrained scheme

SOUND financial advice from reader Catherine Davies, who tells us: “The easiest way to make money is to win the lottery or train as a hairdresser. In other words, get rich or try dyeing.”