Love… actually?

THE Diary is an inveterate romantic.

We prefer to read chick lit books than more profound novels, and were disappointed that Tolstoy wrote War and Peace instead of Kiss and Cuddle.

Because we are such big fans of lurve, we were horrified to hear allegations this week that Taylor Swift and her American Footballing boyfriend, Travis Something-or-other, were participating in a showmance - a fake romance to generate publicity.

Thankfully Travis’s management team have rubbished the claims.

Phew!

We’re relieved that it’s fake news, because we couldn’t live in a world where Swifties were clinically manipulated by their idol for fame and wealth.

However, the hoo-ha did get us wondering about love affairs of the past…

Were Robin Hood and Maid Marian in a showmance? Or Antony and Cleopatra?

Did Princess Leia genuinely adore Han Solo, or was she secretly yearning after C-3PO?

It’s all so confusing.

Luckily the Diary never trucks in fake news. Each story is meticulously verified by our reporters. Lie detectors are used to garner the facts. Thumb-screws, too, occasionally.

That’s why you, faithful reader, can be assured that the following classic yarns from our archives are not only truly funny. They’re also funnily true.

 

Bird-brained badinage

TWO old worthies in Edinburgh’s Fountain Bar were discussing sleeping patterns, a common obsession among senior citizens, we hear.

One chap said he sleeps with the window open, but his pal told him: “So dae ah. But ah get woken up wae the dawn chorus.”

To which the other chap replies: “Ah don’t know about any chorus. It’s thae bluidy birds that wake me up.”

 

Meaty musings

THE scene is a restaurant in Inveraray, where a young waiter - enthusiastic, hardworking, but also untrained - is serving a couple.

The man orders a fillet steak.

“I’ll just pop into the kitchen and make sure there is a fillet steak left,” says the waiter.

He returns to confirm that fillet steak is available.

“Well done,” says the customer.

“Thanks, but it’s all right. It’s my job,” replies the waiter, modestly declining praise.

“I’d like my steak well done,” says the customer in a firm tone.

 

I spy

A CHAP in a West End bar was observed draining his pint then telling his mate: “The wife thinks I’m too nosey.”

So his pal asked: “When did she say that?”

“Oh no,” the chap explains. “She never actually told me. I read it in her diary.”

 

Story time

A YOUNG child asked his mother: “Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”

“No son,” she told him. “Sometimes they begin with ‘I’ll be working late at the office tonight’.”

 

Quiz time

A READER once asked us the following intriguing question: “What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison.”

The answer, it turned out, was: “You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.”