Unchained melody

THE Diary has been celebrating the cash-grab… sorry, warm-hearted reunion of the Brothers Gallagher, who are reforming their 1990s band, Oasis, for a stadium tour next year.

And why shouldn’t they?

Taylor Swift made oodles of dosh this year, performing in front of little girls and their mums.

Now it’s time for mopey, middle-aged men with a fetish for pudding-bowl haircuts and long parka jackets to spend an exorbitant amount of moolah on tickets and merchandise.

Inspired by Oasis, the Diary has been considering reforming our classic line-up of reporters.

Then we realised none of our reporters has actually left.

That’s because of job satisfaction, high wages, and, of course, the rusty chains bolting them to their desks.

What happens when our staff need a toilet break, you may wonder. Aren’t we being a tad cruel to them?

Not in the least, for there is a communal bucket within reach, which is emptied once a month by the office janitor, Slop-House Sally.

Talking of putrid waste… regrettably none of the Diary staff will be temporarily freed in order to watch Oasis play.

That’s because we value our minions’ writing contributions far too much.

We’re sure you’ll feel the same way, after reading the following classic tales from our archives…

 

Clean getaway

GLASGOW humour – does it travel?

We ask because  a Highland police officer told us about paying a courtesy call to the local duke, along with a fellow officer who had spent many years in Glasgow.

Outside the castle, the duke’s nephew was vacuuming out a Land Rover, and seeing the officer, said: “I say, constable, have you seen my little brother?”

“Naw,” says the Glasgow chap without breaking stride, “but there’s a big lump in your Hoover bag.”

The puzzled youth was left staring at his vacuum cleaner.

 

Geography for beginners

A SCIENCE teacher swore blind to us that when he asked his class: “What’s inertia?” some bright spark answered, “Troon and Prestwick.”

 

True lies

A CARD assistant noticed a chap lingering at the anniversary cards for some time.

She finally asked if there was a problem.

“Yes,” he replied mournfully. “I can’t find one my wife will believe.”

 

Fine dining

WOMEN in Glasgow’s West End are becoming, quite rightly, more suspicious.

We overheard a chap in a pub asking a young woman out for a meal.

After grudgingly agreeing, she then fixed him with a stare and told him: “Just to clarify: meal doesn’t qualify if a) the word ‘happy’ is in front of it, b) cutlery is not obligatory, and c) the phrases ‘carry out’  or take-away’ appear on the same line.”

 

Animal antics

A READER raised in the country told us: “A city-slicker acquaintance, finding out about my rural roots, asked if I’d ever shoed a horse. I said, ‘No. But I chased off a donkey once.’”