Neil Mackay: My personal stories of loneliness – and how we fight it

There’s my neighbour. She never married, had no children, and as she reached retirement there was nobody there for her. She was a difficult woman, unkind to local children and pretty mean-spirited, but when my family saw her struggle as old age grabbed hold of her, we tried to help as much as we could. I find it difficult to see anyone unhappy. But there was only so much we could do. Quite recently, she went into a home. She’s now, sadly, completely alone.

Then there’s my aunt. She’s slowly shut herself off from the world since her divorce, and now lives pretty much in isolation. Her grown-up children have moved away. Relatives, myself included, encourage her to go out, make friends, meet people, join a club - but she says she can’t. She fears rejection, and that’s terribly sad.

I’ve a good friend, whose wife died some years back. It’s become almost impossible for him to go out and socialise, despite me and other old pals encouraging him. He says he can’t face it.

A young friend of my daughter struggled after university to get the job he wanted and just drifted away from the world. The only sign that he exists is his digital presence.

I either love or am fond of all these people - even my rather hard-shelled neighbour. So the way loneliness has gripped them, and hurt them, gives me a little jag in the heart. There but for the grace of God go I, right? Or you.

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Old age, problems at work, crushed aspirations, broken hearts, grief, moving house and losing contact with friends - these life events, which come to us all, can overwhelm anyone, and lead to depression, crushed self-esteem, or soul-wracking anxiety. That creates fear, and fear can lead to isolation. And so the terrible cycle of loneliness begins, as friendships fade and family drift away.

In an atomised age, when notions of extended-family and community are kaput, many of us, when we face crises, do so alone. That can knock someone to the ground so hard they struggle to get up. More people now live alone than ever.

Increasingly, we live online. But when the real world comes knocking, the online world cannot help. We’re flesh and blood and need flesh and blood bonds to pull through.

How children make friends has changed dramatically. In the 1990s, when my kids were little, youngsters still played outside. I was never indoors during the 1970s and 1980s. Making friends is like exercising - you need to build muscles to do it correctly. Think of how we fall in love now: on apps. We’re deskilling ourselves when it comes to human connection.

Nearly 30% of us feel lonely often or some of the time. Like anything, a little loneliness can be good for you. You relish friendship all the more. Think of those times when you’re far from home, maybe on business, and how you missed your loved ones. Likewise, boredom stimulates creativity. But to be lonely "often"? That wounds.

Over the years, I’ve made friends with some distinguished psychotherapists. I asked them how folk trapped in this well of loneliness get free.

Firstly, there’s no shame in loneliness. All of us - even extroverts - will experience loneliness, or find socialising difficult, at some point. It’s natural.

But persistent loneliness is down to irrational thoughts: ideas like "nobody wants to know me". Such ideas usually arise during depression, often triggered by harsh life-events. This deepens depressive cycles, increasing isolation.

So it’s important to break this "maladaptive cycle". First, if you’re lonely, realise such feelings are universal. Maladaptive thoughts ("nobody likes me"), cause maladaptive emotions ("I'm unhappy and unloved"). That leads to maladaptive behaviour: not going out, neglecting friends and family, and reinforcing the cycle of loneliness.

Realising those maladaptive thoughts - "nobody likes me" - are wrong is the first step. Of course, people like you. There’s someone for everyone.

Now, all this advice from my psychotherapist pals is easier said than done. They know that. That’s why one calls loneliness "the grey monster": when it grabs you, it’s hard to escape.

But there’s hope. Therapy isn’t shameful. It should never have been. Perhaps we wouldn’t be in the state we now are, if folk in earlier generations tried it a little.

Millions now regularly go through therapy. I’ve undertaken therapy for extreme violence I experienced covering terrorism. If you’ve busted your knee, you visit the doctor, right? So, if you’ve got some pain in your soul, it’s probably best to speak to someone who can help you. At least, that’s my belief.

Millions of us now regularly go through therapy (Image: PA)

There are opportunities out there for folk like my neighbour, auntie and friend to beat the grey monster. Groups are starting up all over the country for people who are experiencing loneliness. At my GP clinic, I’ve seen posters for single people, divorced people, or the bereaved, to come together and just socialise or go for a walk in the park. Part of any recovery is knowing there’s an escape route. These self-help groups mean folk can build new friendships to sustain them.

I reckon you need to be pretty brave to start breaking that maladaptive cycle and get out there and join one of these groups. So, if anyone reading this is experiencing loneliness and thinking about it: just do it. I’d also say that visiting a therapist to help work out and deal with the problems underlying loneliness is wise too.

Lastly, I guess, if like me you’re lucky enough to have never battled the grey monster, but know folk who have, then give them a buzz tonight. I’ve just rung my auntie, suggesting she join one of these groups, and once I finish writing this, I’m going to go and call round on my old pal and see if he fancies a chat.

Neil Mackay is the Herald’s Writer at Large. He’s a multi-award winning investigative journalist, author of both fiction and non-fiction, and a filmmaker and broadcaster. He specialises in intelligence, security, crime, social affairs and foreign and domestic politics.