A bum deal

WE recommend that you don’t read the following tale while enjoying your breakfast, as you won’t be enjoying it for long.

David Chadwick from Carluke was listening to Good Morning Scotland on the wireless, and the radio doctor was answering a question about a colonoscopy.

After a lengthy description of the results of a faecal test, the medic summed up the problem with the wholly appropriate phrase: “The bottom line…”

 

Gie us a break

THE scars from the Paris Olympics haven’t quite healed, as far as our readers are concerned.

Comedy great Andy Cameron shares his thoughts regarding the exhibition of breaking (sometimes called breakdancing) which was a "highlight" of the Games.

Says Andy: “Whilst hiding indoors away from a two-day summer shower, I happened upon the breaking at the Olympics, and it occurred to me that I’ve been in Glesga pubs where about four or five guys, at 10 minutes before closing, would have a right good chance of a gold medal.”

 

Keep on truckin’

THE Diary is making famous music acts edible.

Bob Jamieson imagines an early evening, back in the 1970s, when the dull end to a day on a council estate would be enlivened by the arrival of a trundling sweetie truck, which would announce itself by playing heavy metal music.

This would, of course, be the… Ice Cream Van Halen.

 

Mind your language

STROLLING with his wife in Sauchiehall Street, Matt Watson noticed a chap wearing a T-shirt. Emblazoned across its front was the arresting message "Shut up you puny fool".

Matt’s wife took a double-take at the shirt, then said: “That’s the first time I’ve ever been insulted by menswear.”

 

Past imperfect

MEDIOCRE history scholar George Francis admits: “When I first heard of Henry the Eighth, I thought, ‘Where’s the rest of him?’”

Spotting this sign, Gordon King says he must disagree: “As anyone who is middle-aged, or older, will tell you,” says Gordon, “there’s no end to the boring area.”Spotting this sign, Gordon King says he must disagree: “As anyone who is middle-aged, or older, will tell you,” says Gordon, “there’s no end to the boring area.” (Image: Contributed)

Rock of ages

FROM history we progress to archaeology. 

A study of the six-tonne altar stone at the heart of Stonehenge has shown that it was brought there all the way from north-eastern Scotland.

Reader Rob Clarke says: “This is a real win for the SNP. They love to carp on about it being ‘Scottish oil’ that the English are stealing.

“Now they can demand the return to its original home of a very large, native pebble.”

 

Table topper

A TALE of domestic harmony from reader Mick Tarrant.

“My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table,” he says. “I had to take a long run-up, but I made it.”