Talking balls

EDDY Cavin is the Diary’s King of Clichés.

He can spot a cliché a mile off.

He’s so adept at spotting a cliché a mile off that he’ll probably contact us later today to scold us for using the phrase ‘spot a cliché a mile off’, which is, of course, a big, fat cliché.

Today Eddy’s mulling over those trite and oft-repeated talking points that football hacks rely upon when a new season starts.

(The Herald’s esteemed sporting scribes are not of this ilk, we should point out.)

Here’s Eddy’s Top 5 Footballing Clichés…

1. A win in a pre-season friendly against an English side “shows that we can compete at this level”.

2. A defeat in a pre-season friendly against an English side is a “useful training exercise which shows what we have to do to improve”.

3. Can Hearts/Hibs/Aberdeen/anyone split the Old Firm?

4. Rangers/Celtic in shock big money transfer move.

5. Who will win the League..?! (Well, after a duopoly of almost 40 years, we can narrow it down to one of two, can’t we?)

 

Alive-alive… no

A COLLEAGUE of reader Andrew Green arrived at work on Monday after a busy weekend reacquainting himself with the taste of beer.

The poor chap’s eyes were baggy and bloodshot, and he had a rather greenish pallor.

Andrew, sympathetic to his plight, said: “You look half-dead.”

“Really?” replied Andrew’s surprised colleague, who then added: “Well, if that’s the case, I’d like to know which half of me is the alive bit, because I’ve not been able to locate him anywhere.”

 

The name game

WE mentioned that Brian Whittle has thrown his hat into the ring to become next leader of the Scottish Conservatives.

Reader Alan Drysdale gives him a decent chance of victory, and says: “I’m sure he’ll whittle down all opposition.”

Rebecca Jackson, who spotted this sign in the Highlands, says: “I guess that’s why drunkenly unconscious boozers are sometimes described as being comma-tose.”Rebecca Jackson, who spotted this sign in the Highlands, says: “I guess that’s why drunkenly unconscious boozers are sometimes described as being comma-tose.” (Image: Contributed)

A fishy tale

EMBARRASSED reader Dave Thomson says: “When I was a kid I believed the batter on a deep-fried fish was its natural skin.”

Adds Dave: “It’s not entirely my fault. My father repeatedly assured me this was true.”

 

Room for manoeuvre

KINDLY Ed McKay bought his 10-year-old son a pet tortoise for his birthday.

The little chap was delighted, though a little concerned, for he said: “What happens when he dies? Can I have another tortoise fitted in his shell?”

 

Weighing in

QUIZ time.

Reader Helen Burnett asks: “What weighs more, a pint of water or a pint of butane?”

The answer is: “Water. Butane’s a lighter fluid.”