Pub perusals
JOE Biden was effictively replaced this week by Kamala Harris as his party’s candidate for American President.
For months the Democrats patiently explained to the media that Joe was fit as a fiddle. Hell, he was fit as an amped-up Stratocaster, all gleaming red paint and sleek edges.
Then it was as though Pete Townshend had grabbed hold of the Strat and turned it into woodchip.
Exit Joe from the Presidential race, grudgingly.
Sorry… graciously.
And Kamala appears out of nowhere to nab the ticket, chosen in a highly egalitarian process involving a cabal of party bigwigs in a dark room muttering: “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Okay, she’ll do.”
The Diary is more democratic when choosing the stories we publish.
A humble Diary supplicant brings a pile of tales, freshly printed on office paper, to be scrutinized by the Editor in the pub.
A few are used to mop up puddles of spilt whisky next to his elbow.
He blows his nose on one or two, scrunches up a third, then stuffs it in his ear to extract a wodge of wax.
One lucky page becomes a makeshift coaster for his glass.
Anything left over is printed in The Herald, including the following classic tales from our archives…
Pregnant (non) pause
TWO women in the doctor’s surgery were fussing around a new mother with triplets who went in to the doc’s for a postnatal check-up.
When the mother left the waiting room one woman remarked: “I read somewhere that it’s one chance in 12,000 that you have triplets.”
“Goodness,” said the other woman. “How did she ever find the time to do any housework?”
Room for improvement
ON a similar theme…
A young Edinburgh mother, lunching with a pal in a smart George Street restaurant, was explaining how harassed she was, getting the housework done. Her friend, draining a large chardonnay, told her: “My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.”
Mystery girl
A HOTEL in Renfrewshire cheekily put up a sign stating: "See Judy Pole Dancing".
A Diary reader was touched by his wife’s naivety when they drove past the sign, and his good lady remarked: “What’s so special about that?” followed shortly afterwards by: “And who’s Judy Pole anyway?”
Messy message
A POSTER in Braehead Shopping Centre urging people to buy shopping vouchers could have been better sited.
It was stuck on a pillar in the gents’ toilet and proclaimed: “Splash out on a friend.”
In the drink
A NUMBER of readers told us they look at their bottles of still mineral water, and can confirm that every time they check, the contents haven’t changed.
Animal antics
A READER told us that if you want to create your own zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars. It's the bear minimum.
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